Hell? Yes!


I’m not sure if I’m happier with people believing Hell does not exist or believing it does.  On the one hand I want some respect: hey, if I exist, I exist somewhere.  But then again, I kind of like the way many Christians have watered down the concept of Hell; the less people really know, the more likely they are to meet me here, where everyone believes in Hell.

But this I know: I like calling the shots.  I want to be the one deceiving people, holding back the truth, and blinding eyes.  I want to take as many captive to my will on earth as possible.

That’s why, my servants, I must object to an article I read in First Things today.  Written by Joe Carter and entitled, “Yes, Evangelicals, There Really Is a Hell,” the article pretty much outs my lies and confirms the truth of Hell.  Blechhh!

First, Mr. Carter recognizes that modern Christians have “refined” diluting the doctrine of Hell “into a fine art.”    That wasn’t so bad; everyone knows that.

But Mr. Carter goes on to really hit me below the belt by characterizing modern, hip, pseudo-Christian (my term) teaching on Hell as “gooey New Age-ish mush that is creeping into our tradition.”  Yikes!  Then Mr. Carter goes on to spill my kingdom secret that new, hip Christians who go wobbly on the doctrine of Hell end up implicitly or explicitly teaching the “loving” doctrines of universalism, inclusivism, postmortem evangelism, conditional immortality, and annihilationism.

Well, yes. 

But Mr. Carter fails to pin the blame correctly.  Just why are people so willingly flocking to do my will?

Because of me, my servants.  I have successfully made Hell an embarrassment to Christians.  After all, how could a lovey-dovey God condone such a place?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Unfortunately, as Mr. Carter notes, there are still some “stodgy old evangelicals,” like Albert Mohler, who make my life miserable.  For one, Mohler spotted my lie that a Christianity without Hell is still Christianity.  He writes:

“A secular worldview that denies supernatural revelation must reject Christianity as a system and truth-claim. At the same time, it seeks to transform all religious truth-claims into matters of personal choice and opinion. Christianity, stripped of its offensive theology, is reduced to one “spirituality” among others.”

I delight in Christianity stripped of offensive theology. 

And Mohler continues:

“All the same, there are particular doctrines that are especially odious and repulsive to the modern and postmodern mind. The traditional doctrine of hell as a place of everlasting punishment bears that scandal in a particular way. The doctrine is offensive to modern sensibilities and an embarrassment to many who consider themselves to be Christians. Those Friedrich Schleiermacher called the “cultured despisers of religion” especially despise the doctrine of hell. As one observer has quipped, hell must be air-conditioned.”

Let me see if he got all my lies about Hell:

  • Especially odious and repulsive to the modern and postmodern mind?  Check.
  • Offensive to modern sensibilities?  Check.
  • Embarrassment to many who consider themselves to be Christians?  Check.
  • Culturally despised?  Check.
  • Air-conditioned? 

Ha ha ha ha ha.


2 Responses to “Hell? Yes!”

  1. The part of me that wants to reject the Christian doctrine of hell would at the same time love to accept the Moslem doctrine of eternal hedonism as a reward for being a good religionist. I find this instructive.

  2. honeybee Says:

    I’m guessing this is about Rob Bell’s new book.

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