Hitchens saved?


I hate the word salvation.  It carries with it a freedom and peace that represents everything I stand against.  I love captivity.  I love bondage to sin and the inevitable death sin delivers.  I love all things deceptive, all people deceived, and all those who will soon be mine.

And, you know, I love Christopher Hitchens.  I have written here about my bud Hitch, and here about how my bud Hitch is hanging strong and almost home.  I revealed here some kingdom secrets when I revealed that Hitchens is not really an atheist; he is an asatanist.  And I chided my bud Hitch here for his hypocrisy toward others, a hypocrisy that should be evident to all.

But I chide those I love and wish to keep in my kingdom.  And I love my bud Hitch.

So it was with some alarm that I read the headline in the UK Telegraph: “Atheist Christopher Hitchens could be ‘saved’ by evangelical Christian.”

Well, of course, that is always a possibility, and, in fact, I have consistently urged Christians to stop praying for Hitch; he doesn’t want your prayers, and prayer often works miracles. 

But what is this I read?  Hitchens saved by an evangelical Christian?

Yes, my servants, it appears the fervent prayers of righteous Christians may be having a disastrous effect on Hitchens.  So I must issue a Level 3 devilbloggger Alert, signifying a clear and present danger to my kingdom.  It is time, my servants to mobilize and . . . well, . . . well, don’t pray!

You see, I’m at a distinct disadvantage here, my servants.  Christians can pray to a living, sovereign God who can answer their cries according to his will. 

I have no equivalent mechanism for working on earth.  I’m limited to distracting, discouraging, and otherwise deceiving Christians, so that they don’t pray. 

And I thought I had done my work of causing Christians to not pray, but in this case it appears I have not done a good job.  Because, wouldn’t you know it, coincidentally, Hitchens is receiving a revolutionary new treatment for his cancer pioneered by Dr. Francis Collins, an evangelical Christian scientist.

Conincidence?  Is this how God works?  How does he do it?

According to the Telegraph article, Hitchen’s “pre-eminence” (oh how I love that word applied to men of mine!):

“has been enhanced by his steadfast refusal to change his [atheistic] views even after he was diagnosed with cancer of the oesophagus last year.”

And it is Hitchens’ stubborn steadfastness, anchored as it is to my deep-seated lies and deceptions, that I now count on to keep Hitchens captive to my eternal will.  But if Christians keep praying, there is no guarantee that I can hold off the heavenly armies indefinitely.

For this reason I ask you, my servants, to do the following:

  • Of course, do not pray for Hitchens’ healing or salvation.  That would be entirely counterproductive.
  • If you know Hitchens, write him a letter in support of his stubborn steadfastness to my eternal kingdom.  He is battling new thoughts in his mind and new love in his heart that requires you, my servants, to counter with your assurances that he is, in fact, correct to leave his earthly life without surrendering his soul to the enemy.
  • If by some weird chance you know Christians, please throw distractions in their path to ensure they have no time or inclination to pray for Christopher Hitchens.  Be subtle, like me.  A direct appeal might trigger righteous motives to pray, causing our plan to completely backfire.

Hitchens saved?

Not if I have anything to do with it.

And I do. 

So do you.

No go, and do bad.


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