Yeah, that’s why Jesus was crucified. Right.


Whew!  That was a close one.  For a moment I faced the thought that maybe, just maybe, my Huffington Post stumbled and inadvertently posted the truth on its “Huffpost Religion” page.  If I had a heart it would have skipped a beat.  If I had blood it would have boiled.  If I had hair it would have stood on end.  Yes, that was close.

Yes, my servants, imagine my horror when I read in the reliably ungodly Huffington Post religion section this title of an article by Matt J. Rossano: “Why Was Jesus Crucified?”


Oh great, I thought.  Now I’m going to have to do damage control.  Everyone knows why Jesus was crucified; I don’t need no HuffPo blogger reminding me and everyone else.

But fortunately, Mr. Rossano came through for me on this one.  He very cleverly repeated some of my newer and more clever lies about Jesus’ nature and work, turning Jesus’ saving work into nothing more than a political ploy to bring liberal social reform to a corrupted Roman empire.

Ahhh . . . that’s more like it.

You can read it for yourself, but let me highlight some of my brilliance that shines through Mr. Rossano’s thoughts. 

First you will notice that Mr. Rossano shows no evidence of knowing Jesus personally as his savior.  This is critical for anyone’s success in my kingdom, and allows Mr. Rossano to write on something as monumental as Jesus’s crucifixion with a casual academic air blown by a political agenda.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that!  In fact, such people with minds darkened by my lies turn out egregiously wonderful opinions of Jesus and his reason for crucifixion.

Mr. Rossano quickly disposes of “the standard Sunday school answer” to the question “Why was Jesus crucified?” noting for the record trivialities like “man’s salvation, eternal life, to reconcile humanity to God, etc.”


According to Mr. Rossano, these cannot be the reasons Jesus was crucified because such simplistic naiveté “would have made little sense to those directly involved in the event itself.” 

Really?  Er . . . I mean really!

Never mind that the “standard Sunday school answer” happens to be what the bible says.  Mr. Rossano knows better than the bible!  What Mr. Rossano delightfully dismisses is the very gospel itself, on which every Christian takes his or her stand and is saved: that Christ died for sins according to the scriptures, that he was buried, that he wa raised on the third day according to the scriptures, and that he appeared to Peter, and then to the Twelve.

It must be all that “according to the scriptures” stuff that throws off people like Mr. Rossano.  Because he and those like him apparently haven’t read or don’t believe the scriptures.  They have no need of “scripture” except as it advances their political agenda.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that!

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Mr. Rossano comes to my conclusion because, he reasons, people at the time of Christ, if asked why Christ was crucified, would not likely have “muttered anything remotely like what most Christians say today.”

Ha ha ha ha ha.

It’s the old “because the people thought Jesus was being crucified as a rabble rouser, he must have been just a rabble rouser” lie.  (I didn’t think anyone would really believe it!)

Mr. Rossano’s take on the “just a thief and troublemaker because that’s what his contemporaries thought” lie is a little more sophisticated.  For this I give him great credit.  He maintains that Christian theology provides no reason why Pilate ordered Jesus to be crucified.   A careful study of Roman practices leads any rational person to the only rational conclusion: Pilate had Jesus crucified because he “preached justice–and it wasn’t Rome’s justice; it was God’s justice.”

And what, according to Mr. Rossano, does “God’s justice” look like?  It looks remarkably like modern US liberalism:

“Roman commercialism had corrupted Jewish society, Jesus argued. A few were getting very rich cooperating with the Romans while most were being dispossessed and taxed to death. This rupture in the Jewish community was threatening their relationship with God. The Jewish people were supposed to be a people of righteousness and justice, worshipping a God of righteousness and justice. But under Roman rule, their society was becoming just like all the others — a wealthy arrogant elite grinding down on an increasingly desperate working class.”

And, of course, Jesus was merely trying to redistribute wealth, forcefully humbling the arrogant elite and liberating the desperate working class.  The Romans, who loved mammon more than God, of course crucified Jesus to stop his preaching social justice.

That’s all.

Everyone knows that.  Right?


You say that Herod and Pontius Pilate met together with the Gentiles and the people of Israel in Jerusalem to conspire against the holy servant Jesus, whom God anointed, and that they did what God’s power and will had decided beforehand should happen?

Your are saying it was God’s plan to work through men to crucify Jesus for the very reason Mr. Rossano dismisses?

That must be more of that “according to the scriptures” stuff, right?

Well, you take the Bible.  I’ll take Huffington Post religion.

Of course, I’m already in Hell, so what does it matter to me?

Ha ha ha ha ha.


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