Southern Baptists: Hell is Real!

Quote of the Day: Rob Bell is not the first to preach the Gospel Of Human Fairness, which goes by the theological name of “universalism.” Entire denominations are built around the idea that a loving God would never send anyone to Hell. . . . [I]f Rob Bell is right Jesus is either a liar or a lunatic.  — Rob Hell? Fortunately, no.

Wheeee!

Here we go again, my friends.  Hell is hot news today, with its really real realitiness seeming to hang in the balance of the opinion of men.  Question:  If everyone on earth believed a literal Hell did not exist, would the truth of Hell’s existence change?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

A prime vanity of human beings, my servants, is the propensity to believe that truth conforms to what one thinks about it.

Hey, did you know, my servants, that there is one thing, nay, two things on which Jesus and I are in perfect agreement?  First, we both believe that God exists and he is who he says he is.  And second, we both believe in a literal Hell, and it is what he says it is.

Why doesn’t everyone agree with Jesus and me?  Well, on the first point many people speak as fools, and on the second many fools speak as people.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that!  Because at least I get to meet all the fools personally and thank them for their blind service to my kingdom.

But those Southern Baptists in the United States?  I have to do some work on them there backwoods Bible Thumpers.  It seems that those trouble makers held a convention last week and issued a resolution asserting their “belief in the biblical teaching on eternal, conscious punishment of the unregenerate in Hell.”

According to a TIME mag story reported by Yahoo news entitled, “Religious Rebuttal: Southern Baptists Resolve that Hell is Real,” we read that the Southern Baptists did their rebutting with a Resolution titled succinctly, “Don’t Believe in Hell? Well, Die and Learn.”

Well, it’s about time!  Finally someone is standing up for moi and my proud abode!  I was beginning to believe that even Christians would soon write me off as a mean myth or a meddlesome metaphor.

But now there are two places, at least, where the truth about Hell is confirmed: In the Southern Baptist’s resolution and in the Bible.

Maybe people will believe the Southern Baptists.  Who knows?

But why the perceived need by those Baptist ne’er-do-wells to publicly reiterate the Bible’s plain teaching?  Who butted in the first place that necessitated a rebuttal?

Look no further than the Resolution’s first “Whereas” clause:

WHEREAS, Rob Bell, in his 2011 book, Love Wins, has called into question the church’s historical teaching on the doctrine of eternal punishment of the unregenerate …

Ha ha ha ha ha.

That Rob Bell dude.  I like him.  I’ve written about him here, and here.   Apparently no-Hell-Bell has decided that Jesus’ clear message in the Bible has produced “theological rigidity” and, according to Bell, a “dangerous thing” in a “faith of exclusion.”

So Rob Bell wrote another book to supplant the Bible’s teachings, called Love Wins: A Book About Heaven, Hell, and the Fate of Every Person Who Ever Lived.  I blogged it here.

According to critics, in Love Wins Bell decided to rectify Jesus’ theological rigidity by preaching universalism, a theology that suggests everyone goes to Heaven and Hell is empty.

Winner, winner, chicken sinner!

Question: which is more dangerous, to tell someone they are headed for a cliff or to pretend the cliff doesn’t really exist?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Now, the good part, my servants.  Let me show you how poor thinking skills, faulty logic, and an untrained mind work to further my kingdom.  According to the TIME article, Bell defends his unorthodox teaching with the following jewel of my deception:

 When we get to what happens when we die, we don’t have any video footage. So let’s at least be honest that we are speculating, because we are.

Really, RobMyBelleButNotMyHell?  Really?

Tell me, My Belle, is there any video footage of Heaven?

No?

Then on what basis can you say anything about Heaven or Hell?  Isn’t it all speculation.  Why should we listen to your speculation about Heaven any more than we should listen to your speculation about Hell?

Shouldn’t we be looking for someone who knows, and who isn’t relying on speculation?  Perhaps one who created both Heaven and Hell?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

For Rob Bell, it’s all speculation. 

For Christians, it’s not.

Look!  Here comes another Love Wins reader!  Look at that face!

Wheeee!

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10 Responses to “Southern Baptists: Hell is Real!”

  1. Dear Satan,

    I love when you say: “there are two things on which Jesus and I are in perfect agreement. First, we both believe that God exists and he is who he says he is. And second, we both believe in a literal Hell, and it is what he says it is.”

    May I suggested a theme for you? What about “Liberation Theology”. You have strong servants down here in South (South America) who profess such communist ideology.

    I went to a mass last Sunday and discussed with a father that decided to quote a liberation theologian in his homily about trinity, forgetting about St Augustine and St. Thomas Aquinas.

    Best,
    Pedro Erik

    • Thanks, Pedro — I will look for a good news story to “bounce” a post off of relating to Liberation Theology. By the way — I like YOUR blog (www.thyselfolord.blogspot.com), but I read only a little Portuguese. But I can translate it OK.

      • It is a great honour for me having you reading my blog.

        i never lost one post from you, your logical and ironic approach is always fantastic. I do not have your competence, you set the bar too high for me.

        Many thanks,
        Pedro.

      • The comments that Obama made were just plain innistulg. Long hours, no days off, using their own savings, taking huge risks,sometimes without a paycheck for themselves are what small business people do in this country. Obama needs to give hard working Americans who continue to do more than their fair share an apology. This outburst is the worst yet from a president who is obviously not proud of America.

  2. “A prime vanity of human beings, my servants, is the propensity to believe that truth conforms to what one thinks about it.” – I may have to quote you on this one, you fiend.

  3. This piece was cogent, well-wirtten, and pithy.

  4. […] Go that?  Rob Bell’s, the name.  Robbing Hell’s the game.   You can read what I’ve written about Rob Bell here, here, and here.  […]

  5. A small businessman works 16 hours a day, 7 days a week on avarege to get and keep his business running, and provide for his family, and pay his few employees. It does not matter which 16 hours though…..Obama is a dolt!

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