Terrible News Tuesday No. 6

Quote of the Day: “And stop going around saying stupid things like, “I think abortion should be safe, legal and rare.” — One Palin, Two Palin, Three Palin, Four 

Yuk.

All I can say today is yuk!, which roughly translated for my non-English readers, means “I wish this day would end because I’m reading nothing but bad news and quite frankly it depresses me.”  Yuk!

What is it you ask?  Did you have to ask?  Can’t you see that this is a bad time?

Oh well, I’ll tell you.  I continue to see my great advances in medicine being stripped away in the United States.  The same land in which progress provided for the safe and legal “removal” of bothersome, unwanted things inside women now seems on the verge of stepping back into the light ages.

Yes, my servants, I’m talking abortion again.  That great fundamental human right (for already born humans) recognized by the United States’ Founding Fathers in the Constitution continues to suffer the assaults from those who believe anyone with a heartbeat should live.

You heard right, my servants.  Anyone with a heartbeat should live, according to fanatical zealots in the state of Ohio, USA.  A LifeNews.com story chronicles how the Ohio zealots pressed their fanaticalization upon us all by passing a “Heartbeat Bill” that would ban virtually all abortions in the state of Ohio starting at the 22-day mark when an unborn thing’s heart starts making beating sounds.

22 days!  I wish my servants had never spouted the claptrap about making abortion “safe, legal, and rare.”  Because now they will get their wish.  You can’t have both legal and rare.  Abortions have been legal; they are about to become rare in Ohio.

Do you see, my servants, why my yukification?

And it gets worse.  States all over the United States of Abortion are cutting off funds to the most majorific  heartbeat stopper around: Planned Parenthood.  You know Planned Parenthood, don’t you?

I know, my servants, I know.  It is confusing.  Yes, they should be called “Unplanned Unparenthood” but I can’t change their name.

New Hampshire just scrapped taxpayer funding for Planned Parenthood, voiding a $1.8 million contract.  Today Texas passed a bill that would strip an estimated $47 million from Planned Parenthood.  All together, with states like Indiana, Kansas, Wisconsin, North Carolina piling off, Planned Parenthood stands to lose over $50 million of money taken from taxpayer’s pockets. 

Tell me, my servants: with no prospect of making money, do you think Planned Parenthood will care about either planning or parenthood? 

Ha ha ha ha ha.

That’s why, my servants, we must defeat these bills!  We must chant and sing and play music like the sad little turnout of my weirdest followers in New York.  You can see a video of my pitiful vagabond protesters at the Creative Minority Report.  My protesters were protesting some of God’s protesters who were praying outside a Brooklyn, New York abortion clinic.  According to the Creative Minority Report:

I gotta’ tell you it’s a pretty sad turnout from the pro-aborts (which actually seems a bit like a homosexual rally if you ask me. I’m not sure I understand why homosexuals would care about keeping abortion legal.) Anyway, they sing songs with words like “Jesus loves the white man’s penis” and “Who do you think you are Mr. Bishop?”

Jesus loves the white man’s what????  Yuk!

Do you see what I’m up against, my servants?  I have state legislators everywhere de-funding my abortion machine.  I have states making abortions rare by making them illegal.  And on top of that I have imbecile protesters who embarrass even me.

Do you see why it’s a bad day?

Yuk!

3 Responses to “Terrible News Tuesday No. 6”

  1. Is it wrong to take so much pleasure in your pain? … Well, if it *is* wrong, then I don’t want to be right!

  2. Devil,

    Why no one ever think in saying: it must be “unplanned unparenthood”?
    You are great.
    And your phrase: “You can’t have both legal and rare” is my list of best quotations. Maybe, someday I can write down the real author of this phrase.

    Best,
    Pedro Erik

  3. Go Ohio!!!!!

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