What I’m Thankful For
Well, unfortunately it’s that time of year again. For my global friends let me inform you of a terrible, terrible holiday indulged in by the Americans: Thanksgiving. This is a day on which, despite my best efforts, ordinary people think of two things: turkey and God.
And, no, that is not redundant, my friends. Like I said, this is unfortunate.
But as I sat here commiserating my bad fortune it occurred to me that there were things that I was thankful for as well.
Yes, my good servants, and you should be as well. Let me explain. Here are five things we can each rejoice over.
1. I’m thankful that Christianity in the West, formerly a powerhouse of (my) kingdom’s destruction, has finally run its course. I was beginning to lose hope; it appeared that free-thinking, selfless, Jesus-loving, Christians from Europe and America would continue rescuing Hell-bound losers of my kingdom from sure destruction. But, alas, my lies of modern (so-called) science, liberal theology, and material blessing have finally paid off in an apathetic, lazy Church focused almost exclusively internally. For this I’m thankful.
2. I’m thankful that most Christians never share their faith. This may surprise you, my friends, but Christianity has all but stalled on earth because ordinary Christians rarely, if ever, share Christ with their friends and neighbors. I’ve succeeded in perpetrating the lie that conversion of souls lies with the professional clergy: priests, preachers, pastors, and evangelists. I hope this never changes. For now, I’m very thankful.
3. I’m thankful for the rise of modern relativism, sometimes referred to as “post-modernism.” To my surprise men on earth are eager to embrace the nonsense that truth is relative–that two contradictory propositions can both be true at the same time and in the same sense. “God exists” can be true for some while “God does not exist” can be true for others. “You’re OK; I’m OK” rules the day. Of course, what I’m working on next, with some initial success is “I’m OK; You’re OK, unless you are a Christian, in which you are a bigoted, close-minded homophobe and overall killjoy.” For this I’m thankful.
4. I’m thankful for decreasing church membership in the West. Numbers matter to my kingdom. “Fewer souls in the pew many more souls in my stew” we say in Hell. For this I’m thankful.
5. Finally, I’m thankful that Thanksgiving Day comes only once a year in the United States. If people were that thankful to God every day my kingdom would surely suffer. For this, I’m thankful.
There you go, my friends. Five things you can be thankful for.
Can you think of more? Feel free to comment below on what you are thankful for this Thanksgiving season.