Tim Tebow: A Masterplan Backfire


Bear with me, my non-American friends.  In the land of the (increasing less) free and the home of the (fewer and fewer) brave, I once created a game that I thought would definitively and finally change the reason for Sunday: football.

No, not the “football” the rest of the world plays, but American football, a high-impact game of muscle and skill combined with color, hype and rivalries, and, to differentiate it from the football of the rest of the world: scoring.

Yes, my servants, I’ve carefully crafted many American sports to completely captivate the minds of men and women in a never ending chain of entertaining distracting distractifications.  I’ve basically created new seasons in sport: football, basketball, and baseball.  Sports in America have become the religion of the masses, but football is my most prized distractifier, as it virtually monopolizes Sunday for almost half the year.

You should see my satisfaction, my friends, as I watch Americans, and especially men who would otherwise be dangerous to my kingdom, in snack-filled rooms glued to big screen television sets filling both mind and body with nothing of eternal value.

It’s a beautiful sight, my good servants.

But somewhere along the line I slipped up, my servants. (Hey, almost no one’s perfect!)

I’m speaking of a great anomaly in my sports agenda, a masterplan backfire, which I can only hope is temporary: Tim Tebow.


Do you know of this Godpunk, Tebow?

I hope not, but, unfortunately I suspect you have or you will shortly.  He made the news again today, as he led his professional football team, the Denver Broncos, to another improbable victory.  In a Wall Street Journal article by Patton Dodd entitled, “Tim Tebow: God’s Quarterback“, Mr. Dodd relates of Tim Tebow after one such victory:

And when the shouting was over, Mr. Tebow did what he always does—he pointed skyward and took a knee in prayer. In postgame interviews, the young quarterback often starts by saying, “First, I’d like to thank my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ” and ends with “God bless.”


Do you see why I’m concerned here, my servants?  Here is an unapologetic, charismatic, articulate, and likable Christian!

When is the last time you saw such a person?

And this Tebow cat is taking the US by storm.  He even inspired a website that displays submitted photos of people all over the world bowing in thanks, “tebowing” as it’s called.  Ordinary people inspired to emulate Tim Tebow’s iconic bow of thankful prayer.

Can it get any worse?

It’s enough to make me sick, my friends.

Don’t let this get around, but just between you and I, I don’t know what to do!

Now every Sunday my masses of the distracted are forced to come to terms with a praying Christian on their TV screens.  And his actions cause many to think about their own spirituality, which is a dangerous backfire of my Sunday Masterplan.

I just wish his team would stop winning.

Because it only reminds me that in the end every knee will bow.

I’m already hoping professional basketball season will start–it’s full of more of my type of people.

And the beat goes on.


16 Responses to “Tim Tebow: A Masterplan Backfire”

  1. The sad fact is that there are more people “tebowing”, actually praying, on football fields than in most of our Laodicean Churches. Sitting on the couch watching sports all day is a ridiculous waste of precious time. Especially when watching the Cincinnati Bungles!

  2. “distractification” wow that is about the coolest invented word I’ve come across in decades!

  3. Football? Well, I know that thing that uses foot.

    Tebowing? In Brazil, many footballers make sign of the cross after scoring (not many times).

    What does it mean? A lot for me, but I am not quite sure about them. They use to go to funk parties, take many wives, have many sons and daughters, friendship with drug dealers, etc.

    At least, it seems that Tim Tebow knows what it means.

    Pedro Erik

  4. Susan Miller Says:

    I tend to prefer this take on Tebow’s theatrics:


    (amusingly, comes from the same website that featured the Patton Dodd piece. Equal treatment for opposite viewpoints?)

  5. Susan, the crazy thing is that with Tebow, it isn’t theatrics. The guy loves Christ more than anything and doesn’t care who knows it. If Tebow and his faith annoy you, it speaks volumes more about you than it does about Tebow.

    Go Broncos!

  6. As a lo-o-ong disenfranchised L.A. (no, *not* “Lower Alabama) football fan, I’m finding Tebow so gosh-darned likable I could *almost* become a Broncos fan!

    On second thought, nah, probably not… but Tebow is still da bomb!

  7. Hey satan, did you hear about the woman that the Dutch company HEMA used as a model to advertise with huge posters all over town their new super push-up bra? It’s not a woman…

  8. “This Tebow cat” — ah, “cat,” how that takes me back! I love it when Christians show how cool they are by using up to the minute, “hep”, “with-it” slang. Reminds me of a certain professional Christian apologist who’d tell his college audiences that when he was an infidel he thought that Christians were a bunch of dull, uncool losers — but then he realized that you could be a Christian and still date good-looking girls. What a relief! I mean, a Christian wouldn’t want to look like he couldn’t get a hot date.

    But anyway — it seems likely, if not obvious, that many of the people who are “Tebowing” are not praying, they’re just Assuming The Position. Tebowing is as likely to be mockery as emulation — gentle, even affectionate mockery, but mockery nonetheless.

    “Godpunk” is cute too. As a fag myself, I appreciate the recognition. But it reminds of something that the historian Richard C. Trexler pointed out: “Various cultures have used sexual signs and gestures of subordination to express reverence toward their gods and lords. Indeed, only those ready to avoid the topic will be surprised that some corporal expressions of religious reverence, such as kneeling, bowing and prostration, remain formally close to certain sexual postures.”

    See you in Hell!

  9. It is suppose to be that the defense was tremendous, but there is the intangible “phenomenon Tebow”. I guess that deserves discussion about what the Broncos record would have Kyle Orton continued to play. It looked like a losing team with Orton. The D is great, but Tebow say what someone should get some credit for the 7-1. QB is usually judged by victory and defeat plain and simple. The numbers may not be there but the most important. Now this could be the Trent Dilfer argument again, but these reimbursements fourth quarter just make the discussion more interesting.anyway, for more news, we can visit http://www.tebowformvp.com/… thanx

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