Christopher Hitchens: A New Theist, Home at Last

My bud.  1949-2011.

They say home is where the heart is.  And that’s never been more true than when considering eternal homes and human hearts.  Because everyone has an eternal home, as my bud Christopher Hitchens knows well, now.

Here is how a Vanity Fair Memoir remembers Hitch, as we call him,

Christopher Hitchens—the incomparable critic, masterful rhetorician, fiery wit, and fearless bon vivant—died today at the age of 62.

Of course, Hitch was all these things, but what Vanity Fair omits, perhaps strategically given the timing, is that Hitch was also one of the world’s foremost atheists.

Hitch was considered in today’s parlance, a new atheist.  But he was an atheist nontheless, and the author of a book entitled, God is not Great.

A brilliant writer and critic of all things deemed by him to be not Great, I often feared his intelligence might lead him from atheism to theism while on earth. But alas, it was not to be, and the brilliant Hitch died, ironically, as one one of the world’s foremost fools.

And believe me, I know fools.  My kingdom is a kingdom of regretful fools, all of whom are now theists.

An eternal home without regrets is a rare occurrence.  In fact, it never happens here.  As a general matter everyone who crosses over from time to eternity has a common response.  It always starts with “Oh, I wish I had . . . ”  And then there is a long list of earthly regrets.

The only difference between those who go to Heaven and those who come to my Hell is the one to whom they express their regrets.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

And of course, to one the regrets are short-lived and forgotten.  But to the other the regrets torment him for eternity.

Don’t like that?  Hey, don’t blame me; I didn’t make the rules.

The Great One did.

Everyone, my friends, has an eternal home.  And that home is where their heart is.

Don’t forget it.

Welcome home, my great new theist Hitch.

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15 Responses to “Christopher Hitchens: A New Theist, Home at Last”

  1. Smart post, Satan. You just said that everyone will find an eternal home, heaven or hell. Besides that, wherever is he, Hitchens is a theist now.

    Well, we, Catholics, believe in Purgatory, so God´s love is still in place to redeem. And, during his life, some prayed for Hitchens:

    http://www.ncregister.com/blog/pat-archbold/still-praying-for-christopher-hitchens/

    I love when you say: “My kingdom is a kingdom of regretful fools, all of whom are now theists.”

    Best,
    Pedro Erik

  2. Hopefully Hitch had a deathbed conversion. Maybe, at the last minute, he decided to quit being a fool.
    I don’t know what Churchill’s stand on Christ was but supposedly he was quoted on his deathbed as saying, “What a fool I’ve been”.
    The wisest thing any of us can do is rehearse our readiness to die every day. Admitting that without Christ we are all nothing but blind fools is the first step toward life eternal.

    • I also hope he had a deathbed conversion. Of all the “new” atheists Hitch was at least civil and likeable. I genuinely hope he’s in Heaven.

    • Ah, the hovering of Christian vultures over atheist deathbeds, what a great tradition … wait a minute, wait a minute wait a minute. Being a fool is what Christians are supposed to aspire to, not atheists. (I, however, am an atheist fool; I lack the pride necessary to be a theist.) For the wisdom of God is the foolishness of men, etc. You guys need to get your propaganda sorted out. See you in Hell!

      Which reminds me — has Hitchens run into Mother Teresa down there yet? To be a fly on that wall … or the Lord of the Flies on that wall, whatever.

      • Everyone is someone’s fool, my friend. The key is to be the right person’s fool.

        • The tenet moved out of my rental preropty without telling me and left a great mess including stains in my 6 mo old carpet. I called Monster Clean and scheduled them to come out. Of course on the day of, the power had been turned off even though it was supposed to be transferred into my name when the tenant closed their account. I called Monster Clean to let them know the situation and reschedule to another time. Jim suggested I keep him informed of the power situation and let me know that they would still come if it was cut on shortly he even called me to check a couple of times. When I was still in the dark after an hour, he called one of his trucks with a generator to come out. This was the Friday afternoon before Opsail/harbor fest so I’m sure the guys were looking forward to getting an early start on the weekend. Long behold TWO trucks showed up just after 4:00 and banged the job out in less than an hour! The guys all had a GREAT attitude and did an awesome job! I will be recommending Monster Clean to anyone I hear needs a carpet job. They will definitely be the first ones I call from now on!

  3. I would have thought you’d be more coy about whether or not Hitch actually showed up. On the other hand, the real Satan would probably bluff about having Hitchens in Hell (whether or not he actually did), as a way to demoralize the still-living. Deathbed conversions are indeed possible.

    • Thanks, Joe. As a matter of fact I did contemplate that angle, because in truth nobody knows if he made peace on his deathbed. I thought about a “well, where is he?” type of post. Great minds??? 🙂

  4. tobeforgiven Says:

    I don’t know from which angle this satire comes from. However , I would say that as a Christian I am drawn to Romans 12 which says that I should “mourn with those who mourn”. I am reading a sense of satisfaction in many Christian posts on this subject and it has greatly distressed me. I am reading into this that many Christians have subscribed to the kind of seperatism and hatred that Hitchens espoused.
    Look, we are not so different from Atheists, at least not in our need for salvation. I cannot help but be in mourning over the fact that a soul has been lost this day! A soul that never knew saving. This is not a happy thing.
    So I mourn with those who mourn. I will say nothing against the man here, thought there is some to be said. Instead, I will transcend anger as I have been called to do, and show grace. To show that grace indeed comes only from God, to show that they are wrong about us, to show them that we have this strange kind of love, a kind of love that can make us mourn for the loss of one who hated us so much, the kind of love that comes only from God through his son Jesus Christ.

    • Thanks, tobeforgiven. I appreciate your comment and you are right on. Christians are no different from atheists except for (and only for) the grace of God. Christians have no ground for boasting. I do mourn for Hitch. I did not know him, but I read much of his work. He was a brilliant man. I prayed for him often. (And I continue to pray for Richard Dawkins regularly). But the truth of God is that absent an unseen act of grace in his life, Hitch is in Hell right now. We cannot overlook this fact. And this blog is about truth-telling. The beauty of this blog is that the truth-telling is satire from Satan’s point of view, so I can take some liberties with tone. But I try to make sure that the careful reader sees past the tone and recognizes the underlying concern for God’s truth and love. Thanks again, and it looks like you have a great blog started yourself!

  5. Hitchens was the worst critic ever in the World. He was a satanist. He always worshiped Satan and said ‘Seithanu Akbar’ (Satan is great!). I am saying the truth.

  6. I was curious if you ever thought of changing the structure of
    your blog? Its very well written; I love what youve got to say.
    But maybe you could a little more in the way of content so people could connect with it
    better. Youve got an awful lot of text for
    only having one or two images. Maybe you could space it out better?

  7. We stumbled over here coming from a different web page and thought I should check things out.
    I like what I see so now i am following you.
    Look forward to looking over your web page yet again.

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