Silent Night? Holy Fright!

The First Christmas According to Satan (Part II)

Gabriel’s message allowed us to focus our efforts on one person: the baby in Mary’s womb.  My task: to kill this child.  So in those days I caused Caesar Augustus to disrupt Mary’s life by requiring that at the height of her pregnancy she and Joseph be forced to travel to Joseph’s hometown for a census.

I was a little nervous because Joseph’s hometown was Bethlehem the town of David.  I knew the significance of Bethlehem, but I was hopeful that the rough donkey ride from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea might fatally disrupt this strange birth. 

Unfortunately they made it to Bethlehem.  What to do now? I thought frantically.  If only Mary lived in modern times she would no doubt be pressured into a safe abortion.  But abortions were not yet every already-born woman’s right back then, and even with the embarrassing story about being a virgin, the thought never crossed Mary’s mind. 

Once the two trouble makers were in Bethlehem, I conveniently ensured that there were no rooms available in any inns.  We were all quite delighted to see Mary in pain and Joseph suffering in a cold, dirty barn full of animals.  Surely here I might find conditions suitable for my purposes, especially with very confused and unprepared Joseph. 

But no sooner had we gathered to celebrate my success than in the dark of the night we heard the first cries ever from the mouth of a sinless baby.  Imagine! Never had a sinless baby taken a breath on this earth.  And now the sounds of his cry sent pangs of fear up and down Hell as Mary lovingly wrapped him in swaddling clothes and placed him in a nearby manger.

Now our task was to keep this event quiet.  We began planning how to ensure that no one else knew about God’s work.  Our plan was that Joseph and Mary, both living with the stigma of an out of wedlock birth, would go live quietly among their people. 

Then to our chagrin we were shocked as the sky split with angel of the Lord hovering over a nearby field, shining a great light about the whole area.  What is this? we asked among ourselves.  It appeared the angel had something to do with Jesus, but as we checked we found no one near but some shepherds, watching their flocks by night. 

What would an angel have to do with lowly shepherds; who cares what they think? We instinctively moved closer, and to our horror we heard the angel’s awful voice boom out our worst nightmare: 

“Do not be afraid.  I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people.  

Good news? Not for us!  And it got worse: 

“Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord.” 

So much for our plans to keep this low key.  But surely they would never find Jesus in the barn where we stuck him.  But we were outsmarted again, as the angel continued: 

“This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.” 

No! No! What else could go wrong?  Things were going from bad to worse when suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, 

 “Glory to God in the highest heaven,
   and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”

 We covered our ears and turned our heads until the angels had left them and gone into heaven. 

We were still dizzy with confusion and anguish when we overheard the shepherds say to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.” 

So we watched in dismay as they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger.  

And do you know what those meddling shepherds did?  When they had seen Jesus, they went out and spread the word concerning what had been told them about the child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. 

My servants, that first Christmas morn must honestly be chalked up as a defeat for me and my kingdom.  It still makes me sick to thing how close we came, and to think how if we had been successful how different history would turn out.  

After we tried to disrupt the infant Jesus at birth, we tried to have 2-year old Jesus killed by Herod, we tried to get 12-year old Jesus lost and separated from his family, and we tried multiple times to have the adult Jesus stoned. 

We finally succeeded in killing Jesus, of course.  More on that later. 

But for now, my servants, just be glad that at least I’ve successfully blunted most of the efforts as modern day shepherds and other meddlers from spreading the word.  And we’ve sensitized people to the angel’s words so that few are amazed anymore.  And we’ve politicized the religiously cultural aspects of Christmas. 

But, oh, if we could only have stopped that first sinless baby.

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17 Responses to “Silent Night? Holy Fright!”

  1. Beautifully written.

    I just add, as a Catholic, that, for us, Mary is also sinless, Mother of God. Immaculate. So, she also was a sinless baby that cried when was born.

    Merry Christmas for you and your family.

    Best,
    Pedro Erik

  2. Meddling shepherds…hmmm…meddling shepherds…that’s what I aspire to be! A meddling shepherd!
    Satan’s kingdom today can’t stand them now anymore than at Christ’s first advent. We go around shouting “Merry Christmas” and offending the liberal sensibilities that have blanketed and smothered the public square! Beware when no one is offended by you Good Christian Men (not “friends”, by the way, which is the way they sing it in my Church of the Liberal Sensitivities).
    I will gladly shout, “Joy to the World, the Lord has come, let men their songs employ (not “friends”, by the way, which is the way they sing it in my Church of the Liberal Sensitivities).
    Meddling shepherds would be way too disruptive in my church. We prefer a relaxed, contemporary, multi-media, coffee house, seeker-sensitive format that is non-confrontational, and in no way alarming as would be the case if a bunch of dirty, meddling shepherds came shouting that Jesus is actually outside the church! Imagine that! Outside the church…as if we needed to go outside the church to find Jesus when we have a stirring and very emotive multi-media mix of contemporary video and song with which to worship God right here! In a terrific sound stage ( I mean church). People are coming in tby the thousands to be wowed by our productions and comforted from our pulpits, and you say we must go outside the church to find Jesus? You say He is outside knocking on the door and accompanied by a bunch of shouting, dirty, meddling shepherds?
    QUICK!!! LOCK THE DOOR!!!
    Merry Christmas!!! Merry Christmas!!! Good Chrsitian men rejoice with heart and soul and voice!!!! Joy to the world, the Lord has come, let men their songs employ!!! Sing all you dirty, meddling shepherds!!! Sing!!! Sing for the night is coming when no one will sing!

  3. The ONLY sinless person that has ever existed is Jesus Christ, if Mary had been sinless, she would have been the Messiah and Savior. If Jesus was not the only sinless person, His life, death and resurrection is pointless! I am sorry to tell you, but whomever believes that Mary was a sinless person is not going to Heaven!!

    • joeclark77 Says:

      Ann Barnhardt (http://barnhardt.biz) wrote a blog post on Dec 17 explaining why the Immaculate Conception (of Mary) is supported by the Bible and also by modern science. Unfortunately her blog (Ann’s, not Mary’s) isn’t sophisticated enough to let me link directly to the piece, but just scroll down to the article dated December 17.

  4. Viki,

    Please permit me to offer an explanation regarding the Immaculate Conception.

    The enmity between “the woman” and Satan (Gen 3:15), Gabriel’s salutation “Hail, Full of Grace,” along with teachings of the Church fathers give us Catholics sufficient reason to proclaim Mary, the Mother of God, as sinless from conception and throughout her life. The second person of the Trinity would deserve such a mother, don’t you agree? How could Our Lord and Savior have been born to anyone else?

    “Sinless” does not mean “divine.”

    Adam and Eve were also without sin until that day in the garden.

    • Yeah, I was thinking the same sort of thing toihngt. Sort of envious of my friends who don’t have time to be on facebook or twitter because their real lives are being spent with their real people making cookies and wrapping presents and cuddling in front of a movie or fireplace. I am home, Christmas is essentially over (for what it was, this year) with husband at work grilling hot dogs for Christmas lunch with his 3rd shift friends, on child is in bed and another on a Stickam chat with a music friend. And I’m here with you. Not addicted, but connected to my very real social media world. Merry Christmas BB. see you in person later this week.

  5. Council of Trent: Sixth Session, Canons Concerning Justification
    Canon XXIV:
    If any one saith, that the justice received is not preserved and also increased before God through good works; but that the said works are merely the fruits and signs of Justification obtained, but not a cause of the increase thereof; let him be anathema.

  6. Council of Trent: Thirteenth Session, Canons On The Most Holy Sacrament Of The Eucharist
    Canon V:
    If any one saith, either that the principal fruit of the most holy Eucharist is the remission of sins, or, that other effects do not result therefrom; let him be anathema. Let him be anathema.

  7. December 8, 1854:

    Pope Pious IX declares that Mary had been born without sin.

  8. “The name mediatress is given her insofar as she exercises this influence in heaven” (“Mary–Doctrine for Everyman” pg 40)

  9. “It is Catholic faith that Mary was a virgin before the divine birth; during it, and after it–Our Lady never had any other children.” (“Mary–Doctrine for Everyman” pg 14)

    • You’re so right. I really don’t think it’s an aiioctddn (but maybe that’s what all addicts say). It’s as you describe, wanting to hear from friends some I’ve met in real life and others I haven’t, yet who remain just as real. Thanks for getting this thing called social media, and helping me so often translate the thoughts that are percolating in my mind. Merry Christmas!

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