Satan’s 2012 New Year’s Resolutions

2012. It’s here, and I’m ready.

Did you know, my servants, that already today, the first day of 2012, thousands of lost souls have piled in through my main gates for permanent abode here in Hell?  Many were surprised, claiming they were “good” during their life.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Good gets you here.  God gets you there.

Who knew?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

But even as we line ’em up down here, I must not ever let up. My work never ends; I must oppose God at every opportunity, and cause as many people as possible to ignore his love.  So here are 10 New Year’s Resolutions for 2012:

First, of course, is to kill, steal and destroy at every opportunity.  This is a standing resolution, as it is my main task on earth.  I must do so by deception and trickery, causing men and women on earth to believe my way is better than the way of life, and life more abundantly.  This is easy, because it seems men wish to be deceived, believing lies from my servants, including those who are recognized by men as “religious.”  Men love to have their ears tickled, and I am Tickler One.  Most of my resolutions below flow from this overarching task of mine.

Redouble my efforts at blinding the minds of unbelievers.  Unbelievers are my captives. As long as they are blinded to the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God, I am able to keep them captive.  These captives often live lives of exceptional piousnicity.  Many are upstanding citizens.  But all are blind to the gospel, and in 2012 I intend to keep them that way.  This year I will utilize web-based technologies to reach more people with confusing messages about “religion” and “spirituality.”  I will use social media to make messages of “universal salvation” go viral.  I will provide platforms to “clergy” to preach a different gospel, a gospel in which all paths lead to God, and all we need is tolerance and understanding.  Yes, I must make that one a priority, as it seems to get real traction these days.

I will continue to advance the philosophy that there are many paths to God.  Your way is OK, my way is OK.  All religions basically are the same.  All religions teach the same basic principles and differ only in non-essential details.  Of course, I do this through clever deception because I know that I am the author of all religions except for one, and that one must be lost in a smokescreen of “many paths to God” nonsense.  I’m already fairly well down this road, but I will continue to drive this philosophy in 2012.

I will bring comfort in the form of the deceitfulness of riches into the lives of so-called Christians.  That usually shuts them up and neutralizes any kingdom-destroying activity against me.  My strategy has worked beautifully in most Western countries.

I will continue to spread pornography on the internet this year.  Pornography steals intended affection, and I now have roughly half the male population of developed countries taking a peeky-poo at sexual lasciviousness on the internet at least once a week.  And a great many of those men are addicted to porn.  And a great many of those men claim to be Christians.  I see them at night, in their private rooms, clicking away.  And it is not only me that sees them.   And of course, that does not even count the pornography I’ve succeeded in getting on television.  I laugh, I mean laugh, when I look around at all the eyes, including little eyes, glued to television screens showing nudity, casual sex, sexual innuendo, and all manner of bedroom scenes.  Have these people lost their minds, I think.  Then I remember: no, they haven’t lost them, I’ve taken them captive.

Related to pornography, both on TV and online, I will also try this year to beat my record of broken marriages.  Divorce, of course, is cause for celebration, but I consider a marriage broken when husbands no longer cherish their wives, and wives no longer respect their husbands.  And you know what?  I’ve succeeded in breaking almost all marriages in developed, Western, nations.  Men bathed in a culture of easy sex and sexual license resent the restrictions place on them by marriage, imagining (falsely, but who cares?) a better world with a better wife.  Wives, buying into the modern feminist dogma fail to realize the protection of authority in their husband, and find themselves bitter at playing second fiddle.   Speaking of fiddles, I play the resentment and bitterness off each other, stopping communication and bringing many marriages to a standoff of wills at best, and a life-destroying divorce and separation at best.  Yes, I will try to make 2012 a banner year for marriage destroying by making sure that each husband and wives think themselves the only couple having issues (other couples seem happy!), and by ensuring that no marriage-saving materials reach them.

This is the year to drive home certain items of mine on the politically correct agenda.  Political correctness with respect to perverse behaviors destroys of God’s harmony on earth.  Homosexuality leads my list, as it is just over the crest of the hill of my slippery slope into all things degrading.  This year I will capitalize on publicizing any criticism of homosexuality as a “hate crime” while also using television and movies to glamorize and normalize boyboys and girlgirls.  And, of course, I will continue to get religious leaders to come out for homosexuality as not only normal, but God-honoring.  That should not only serve my purposes in proliferating sin and suffering on earth, but it also pokes a stick right in God’s eye.  I know, because I see the tears.

I will continue to make Christianity a non-favored religion.  In most of the world I do this through ridicule, marginalizing all Christians and their ideas.  In the United States I use the Constitution’s “wall of separation” to ensure that anything that smells of Christianity is disfavored.  Islam, of course, is untouchable in all the West.  This trend must continue.

Finally, I will continue to work on behalf of my kingdom, causing people to disbelieve in God (even though it also means they don’t believe in me), with their disbelief being shown through actions, not words.  I love it when words say “I believe” but actions say “I don’t believe.”  I always get to welcome those people into Hell.  Maybe I will see some of them in 2012.  Who knows?

My servants, these are my 2012 New Year’s Resolutions.  I expect you to help me in my endeavors by practicing my will at ever opportunity.  So, make sure you are a part of all my deception.  You can do this by spreading my lies that there is not just one way to life and life more abundantly, that homosexuality (and any other perversion) is OK with God, that everyone will get to Heaven, that pornography is harmless, that porn on TV is just “the way it is,” and, in general, act like you don’t take God seriously.

Do this, and you will do my will on earth.

Happy 2012!

PS: Did you know my New Year’s Resolutions rarely change.  Go over each one above (which were last year’s!) and just score me on how well I did.

I’m good.  I’m really good.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.


13 Responses to “Satan’s 2012 New Year’s Resolutions”

  1. Javon Johnston Says:

    Dear Satan,

    I want to be you. I want to gather billions of souls to go to Hell with you. Give me some power. You need some help. It must be hard trying o gather up many souls with just you and the help of your demons. I think that there should and will be two Satans. Satan # 1 is you and Satan # 2 is me. Together we will gather up twice as many souls! C’mon. Give me power so I can help you damn more an more and more souls! Two heads are better than one. Two hands are better than one. Two Satans are better than one! We are going to win the battle! God sucks! We will have more souls than Him! Contact me


    Javon Johnston

  2. Devil,

    Fantastic post. Congratulations.

    I loved when you say: “I know that I am the author of all religions except for one”.

    I wish I can write down in a paper, but you know, academic world believe that there are a lot of religions, all the same. Devil, you certainly dominated the universities and scholars.

    Oh, God.

    Now, no kidding. Many thanks for 2011. And happy new year for you and your family in 2012.


    • Thanks, Pedro! And all the best to you and your family in 2012 as well. Keep up the great blog!

      • Devilblogger…
        I’m curious because I stumbled upon this site because I wanted to know what Satanism really was and what were the beliefs. So reading blogs posted by this religion could only make me understand what the intentions were. But to my curiousity does this religion believe in Jesus Christ or is he just a myth??

        • Good question. Satanists are a bunch of my mislead misfits. Their minds are corrupted by vain deceit. They believe in Jesus Christ in the sense of mental assent, but not with a saving faith. I do my best to ensure that never changes. And you, my little pretty? Do you believe in Jesus Christ?

  3. where is number 4?

  4. Number 4:

    Mock anyone who intimates that as surely as we have just celebrated the first coming of Christ, the existence of the leafy but spiritually fruitless Israeli fig tree nation two thousand years after its demise, is evidence that His second coming is imminent. Anyone speaking of the return of Christ is just as dangerous as John the Baptist in his day and really should be beheaded (hopefully by our Moslem friends). These people must be ridiculed and/or locked in insane asylums if nothing else.

  5. Hey Satan, looks like your not-so-hidden agenda concerning gay “intolerance” is working out quite nicely this year already!

  6. Satan and the devils must own this thing we are using that is a computer because some people on it listen to Satan and his friends when they remove peoples comments which I am sure is a violation of free speech.

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