Ask Satan

Friends and Servants,

From time to time a reader asks Satan a question.  As you might guess, Satan finds himself occupied most of the time by putting out . . . well, by starting fires all over the globe.  But I, devilbloggger, do my best to sit him down from time to time and answer reader questions. 

Below enjoy reader Q&A, faithfully transmitted by me, devilbloggger.  You will find the following questions answered, in this order from top to bottom:

1. Dear Satan I have been worshiping you for about 17 years now, now the internet is here there are other websites letting you sell your soul online, I want to know is are any of them true? If not how do I go about selling my soul to you? Can you manifeast in front of me or in my bedroom, I am not asking for much for my soul anyhow could you answer me.
2. Is Obama a Christian?
3. Hey, Satan…I have a question (btw, am enjoying your blog). I can’t find this info anywhere in your blog so would like a clarification. There is creatonism that = literal interpretation of scripture, i.e. God created all as it is now, that the earth/world is approx. 6000 yrs old, etc., etc. (I’m sure, in your eternal-ness, you know about this version). There is also the creationism that = the belief that God created all that exists, period, and doesn’t go the route of the former definition. Which are you referring to in your blog posts?
4. hey satan when i die will you suck my dick for me in hell?

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Question: Here is a question, exactly as it came into my office today:

Simon Says:
February 22, 2011 at 8:40 am  

Dear Satan I have been worshiping you for about 17 years now, now the internet is here there are other websites letting you sell your soul online, I want to know is are any of them true? If not how do I go about selling my soul to you? Can you manifeast in front of me or in my bedroom, I am not asking for much for my soul anyhow could you answer me.
Thanks S

Answer:

Simon . . . Simon . . . that name rings a bell . . .

Ah! Now I remember–different Simon, I’m sure.

But to work: thank you Simon, my servant, for your email; I’m delighted to answer your question because I have good news.

No, not that Good News, silly Simon; my good news.  You are right, my friend that there are online sites purporting to provide an opportunity to sell your soul to me.  See, here and here, for example. 

Now here’s my good news: save your money, Simon.  I appreciate your interest, but no sale of your soul to me is necessary because unless you have escaped my captivity by the blood of Christ I already own your soul.

Do you see how easy that is, Simon?  You are already mine by virtue of being an unregenerated human being!  You see, my friend, sin entered the world through one man, and death though sin, and in this way death came to all men.  You were born a sinner in my kingdom, Simon.  And, unless you yield to Christ, you will die a sinner in my kingdom.

So relax!  There is no need for me to manifest myself to you any differently than I already do; just resist the pull of that unconditional compassion that manifests itself before you as hints to your soul of a better way.   Besides, I already manifest myself to the world through lies, distortions, deceit and destruction.  Look around you, Simon, I am manifested in a fallen world that loves a lie and hates God’s righteousness.

If you insist, here is one thing you can do.  Turn on your television to prime-time network or popular cable programming.  There I manifest myself in TV shows full of sexual innuendo, irreverent humor, and general crass and crude story lines.  And on most nighttime television you are sure to get an eyeful of my court-sanctioned artwork.  You know the kind of art I’m talking about, right Simon?

Enjoy.

If you get bored with art world of soft porn on television, do what over half the men in the world secretly (they think) do and take a peek at some masterpieces of hard porn on the internet. 

You see, Simon, I take advantage of every opportunity to manifest myself to you through what you put before your eyes and ears.  All you see and hear goes straight to your heart to make you into a big strong tree bearing my fruit. 

Now, Simon, on the off-chance that you are very serious, please listen to me.  Whatever you do, do not stop worshipping me by believing in Jesus Christ as crucified and raised from the dead.  Whatever you do, do not listen to the gospel of Christ who is the image of God, and in whose blood lies victory over my complete control in your life.  If you wish to continue to worship me, you must not yield one eye or ear to the Bible such that the eyes of your heart would be enlightened that you might know the hope to which Christ has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power to those who believe.

Got it, Simon?  In short, stay away from the Gospel, for it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes.

Yes, Simon, stick with me, my friend.  Make sure your eyes and ears yield to my delights, and not the Bible, such as in John 3:16, John 8:32, or John 14:6. 

Now with the money you save by not selling your soul to me go and do what most Christians do with their money:  spend it on some little diversion, some selfish desire, or some other thing for their own pleasure.

Ah, life is good.

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Question:

Submitted via email 31 December 2010.

Is Obama a Christian?

Answer:

You asked Satan.  In fact, everyone wants to know.  Two news articles recently raised the question, and, in fact, answered it.  First was an AP article entitled, “Obama makes rare trip to church while in Hawaii,” and a Politics Daily article entitled, “Obama Tries to Reassert His Christian Bona Fides, With Words and Deeds.”

Hmmmm. . .

Question:  If you have to wonder if someone is a Christian, guess what is the likely answer?   

Ha ha ha ha ha.  And you are probably right!

But since you asked, here is my short answer: I don’t know (for sure).

Surprised?  You shouldn’t be.  Unlike God (Blechhh!) I am not omniscient.  I don’t know everything, and I cannot see into people’s hearts and minds and determine the state of their spiritual health.  In this respect I am no different than you: I can only infer from what I see and hear.

Of course, I have much more experience judging inner conviction by outward evidence, so here is my longer answer:

For the most part I judge a man’s heart the same way God does and you should: by the fruit of his life on earth. 

But I have been known to be wrong. On more than one occasion someone I felt sure I would welcome through the gates of Hell went the other way, never to be seen by me again.  But more often than not I see those who appear to be religious on earth, going through all the right motions and acting the saint, only to find them come tumbling into my eternal domain, moaning and groaning and acting surprised.

Often I hear the earthly self-righteous screaming pitifully: “But Jesus, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?”  It seems there are many fools who do not believe in God, and many fooled who do!

Of course, I have helped make both the fools and the fooled. 

Ha ha ha ha ha. 

I have spread many lies on earth about how to get to heaven.  I have spread the lie that one need not be a Christian at all; there are many paths to God as long as one is good and believes in love.  I have spread the lie that one “need not go to church” to be a good Christian.  I have spread the lie that going to church makes one a good Christian.  I have spread the lie that good works alone will get one to heaven, and calling oneself a Christian is a mere label and nothing else.  I have spread the lie that belief systems that deny the deity of Christ are Christian. 

Lies, lies, lies.  Ha ha ha ha ha.  And so many believe my lies and believe themselves to be Christians.

But the biggest lie of all is that man can make God in his own image, so that becoming a “Christian” is an exercise in semantics, where one’s self-identification as a Christian is deemed sufficient for the actual fact of being a Christian, and God otherwise is molded to be what man wishes him to be.

In fact, a Christian is a very unique being on earth.  A Christian is one who has been reborn spiritually, becoming alive and free, having escaped by God’s grace from my death, sin, and destruction.  That is why I hate Christians.  They have experienced a supernatural work of God in their hearts, a work that I am powerless to stop and which bears fruit in one’s actions that I am equally at pains to stop. 

One can fake the actions, but one can’t fake the rebirth.

Sometimes the fakers fool even me.  So that is why I hesitate to declare definitively on Obama’s Christianity.  But let me tell you what it looks like from my view.

I have many hundreds of years watching human beings, and watching Christians.  I almost always know a true Christian.  A true Christian has a humble dependence on God that is expressed unambiguously in word and deed, in public and in private.  A true Christian has experienced a life-changing encounter with a living God that results in the Christian’s trading slavery to sin for slavery to righteousness; that is, a true Christian seeks to live every moment of every day in regenerated righteous obedience to God as revealed in his word, the Bible. 

A true Christian is not one who merely self-identifies as one.  An unregenerate self-identifier is merely a lying sinner.

A true Christian seeks to destroy my kingdom.  And his words and actions make his intentions clear.  I oppose true Christians at ever turn, seeking to thwart their every effort at advancing God’s kingdom on earth.

Now, answer me this: would a true Christian cover up Christian symbols while speaking at a Christian university?  Obama did.

Would a true Christian vote unambiguously and without apology for laws that make killing an innocent human being legal?  Obama did.  More than once.

Would a true Christian refer to people in communities as bitter, and as clinging to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them”? Obama did.

Would a true Christian support the homosexual political agenda, in clear opposition to Biblical Christianity?  Obama does.

Would a true Christian support same-sex marriage, for example by using tax dollars to fund same-sex lifestyles?  Obama did.

Would a true Christian “forget” to include the reference to a “creator” when quoting his nation’s founding document’s most famous line?  Obama does.  Repeatedly.

Would a true Christian “forget” his nation’s own motto of “In God We Trust” and quote a different motto instead in a major speech to Muslims?  Obama did.

I could go on forever (literally!).

But think for yourself, my servants.  You can see the same behavior I see.  What you may lack is a clear understanding of what a Christian is.

But if you rationally juxtapose what a true Christian looks like with what Obama looks like, there is only one reasonable answer to the question “Is Obama a Christian.”

From my viewpoint, the answer is clearly no.  And I back my words up with actions; I rarely find myself needing to oppose a speech, a vote, a policy, or any other action of President Obama’s.

But I have been known to be wrong.

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Question:

Submitted on 2010/12/21 at 7:55 am

Hey, Satan…I have a question (btw, am enjoying your blog). I can’t find this info anywhere in your blog so would like a clarification. There is creatonism that = literal interpretation of scripture, i.e. God created all as it is now, that the earth/world is approx. 6000 yrs old, etc., etc. (I’m sure, in your eternal-ness, you know about this version). There is also the creationism that = the belief that God created all that exists, period, and doesn’t go the route of the former definition. Which are you referring to in your blog posts? thank you / M

Answer:

Dear M, I will answer you, but I trust you will keep my answer strictly confidential.  My kingdom thrives on the heresies of false teachers, and the best false teachers are those who profess a belief in God but deny him nonetheless on the issue of creation.  You see, M, creation is the lynch pin of God’s story; if he didn’t create, then history is not his story.  So it is precisely on the issue of creation that I work my greatest deception.  I wish to keep deceiving the minds of men on earth, so please, I insist, keep this kingdom knowledge to yourself. 

If God didn’t create the heavens and the earth, and all the people on earth, then all is for naught.  I wish for humans to live in a world where all is for naught, of course.  So I want all humans to believe they are accidents of nature, and the fact that so many people believe that on such flimsy evidence as they have–well, just call me a genius.

To perpetuate the deception, I invented something called Theistic Evolution.  Theistic Evolution is the idea that evolution is true, but God is behind it all.  Of course, any thoughtful analysis will show this is a semantic trick, a lie, and an impossibility.  But it gives Churchboys “cover” to remain respectable among their atheist friends, so I use it effectively to neutralize potential enemies of my kingdom. 

Back to your question then, let me tell you plainly: by creation I refer to that awesome, spine-tingling event a relatively short time ago when God spoke and everything you see came into existence, just as it’s recorded in the Bible.  I was there; I witnessed it first hand with a mix of awe and jealousy that boiled within me.  I had no idea of God’s plans.  But I knew he embodied relationship in his own being, and heard him say something about creating a being “in our image.” 

For a moment I was blind with rage.  I wanted to be in God’s image.  Of course, I wanted him to conform to mine, to submit to me, but nevertheless, these “humans” who apparently had a special place in all creation practically drove me out of my wits.  I wanted the creation to be about me, and here it was going to be about someone else!

After some time I gathered my wits and realized that these new creations had a free will and could decide to obey me instead.  I realized that the way to gain this obedience would be to have them desire the same thing I desired, i.e., to have God in their image, and to have the world be about them.

You can read the rest of the story for yourself.  I, of course, was wildly successful in alienating hearts of men from their creator, and to this day, not only do men on earth deny their creator’s work of creation, but they follow me in attempting to make God in their image (to their liking) and see the world in selfish terms (what’s in it for me!).

The difference, of course, is that I know it’s a deception.  They don’t.  And as long as they never know that they were created by God for relationship with him, I have a good chance of keeping the deception alive.

You must help me, M.  Spread the word: evolution is true, there is no design or purpose in creation, and in the end, all is for naught.

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Question:  (Submitted April 13, 2011)

hey satan when i die will you suck my dick for me in hell?

Answer:

You, my servant friend, have no idea what Hell is like, do you?  You are clearly ignorant.  But be glad, at least, because your ignorance is my bliss.

I must admit that it hurts my pride when I realize there are people like you on earth, people who refuse to use their brains and find out what Hell is really like.  But paradoxically (look it up), people like you delight me.  Because you show that my lies on earth are working, that my deception runs deep, and that I have many, many captives who are hopelessly lost and are likely to never see a rescuing hand of grace.

Ahhh…you make me glad my perverted friend.  Whatever you do, do not ever, ever, read the Bible lest your darkened mind become enlightened with truth that can set you free.  Continue in your sophomoric sophistication about spiritual things, and rest assured, I will see you soon.

But to answer your question — no.  I only pretend to like you while you are on earth.  But once here you are one of millions lost to my darkness and of whom I care nothing.  Sorry if that disappoints you.