Archive for the Catholic Church Category

Obama: Now I will pay for your sin

Posted in abortion, Bible, Catholic Church, christians, False religion, Government, liberals, liberty, Morality, Obama, politics, progressives, religion, taxes, Truth with tags , , on February 12, 2012 by devilbloggger

Retire.

Oh, I just might be able to retire, my friends.  Yes, retirement really never was on my mind for thousands of years, but this past week’s events in the United States [the last bastion of freedom in the world] has made me re-think my short term plans.  (My long term plans were set long ago, unfortunately.)

You see, my servants, the Obama administration has put my agenda on warp speed in forcing my will on earth as it is in Hell.

But even I had no idea that those Americans would ever reach a place where large numbers would reject a Savior’s payment for past sinful pleasures, and instead demand that a goverment pay for future sinful pleasures.

Payment for sin is exactly what the Obama administration demands in its new policies demanding that all employers, including those having a Biblically informed religious conscience, pay for the sin of its employees.

Imagine: a formerly Christian nation in which God’s remaining people are literally forced to pay for the sins of mine!

Ha ha ha ha ha.

It’s a beautiful thing, my friends.  Can it get any better?

Well, yes, it can.

Let me explain.  I was just beaming this week, my friends, when at the National Prayer Breakfast (the what????) I saw my Self-righteous Servant Obama demand not only that taxes from the righteous should pay for the sin of heathens, but that his policy “as a Christian,” “coincides with Jesus’s teaching that ‘for unto whom much is given, much shall be required.’ ”

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Seriously, now, my friends.  Do you know what I do to deceive people?

Yes, you do.  I misquote scripture, use scripture for nefarious purposes, and generally cause mass confusion and deception by picking and choosing among various scripture passages as proof texts.

Do you know how Obama deceives people?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Obama went on to emulate me by misquoting the “Golden Rule” this way, as reported at monney.cnn.com:

“And I believe in God’s command to love thy neighbor as thyself. I know a version of that golden rule is found in every major religion and every set of beliefs.”

My friends, this is not the Golden Rule.

But who knows?

Apparently very few.  And when few know scripture, anyone can use scripture for ungodly purposes.

You see, unlike Obama, my misquoting of scripture was met with a swift and certain “Get thee behind me, Satan.”

But who will stand up to Obama?

No, really, who?

Obama has mangled the Golden Rule in the past, and you can read over at the Ye Have Heard blog here.  Note Obama’s “subtle” but “significant” mangling of the Golden Rule as “treating others as they would treat me.”  (In reality, there was nothing subtle about it; the fact is Obama is scripture-illiterate and didn’t have a clue what he was saying.)  As noted by a reader:

The most succinct statement of the Golden Rule in the Bible is Luke 6:31: “Do to others as you would have them do to you.”

There is a subtle, but rather significant, difference between saying “[I treat] others the way they would treat me” and “[I treat] others the way I would want them to treat me.”

But no matter; Obama believes that holy scripture is part of his playground for social and political engineering.  And to make matters better, his shameless select-a-scripture has revealed two great advances of my kingdom on earth.

First, I was thrilled by how much of the ensuing noise, smoke, and diatribification was directed at a “woman’s right to health care.”  For example, the always reliable Huffington Post ran a gem entitled “Students at Catholic Colleges Protest Lack of Access to Birth Control.”  The article summarizes an 18-year old student, Keely Monroe’s, life at Fordham University as:

Single, 18-year-old female, likes having control over her own body, looking for affordable birth control.

Yes, this is just an example of the genre of medianoisemachiniszation that framed the argument as “no insurance payment for birth control = robbing women of control,” i.e., taking away women’s control over their bodies.  That is, Ms. Keely believes that the good citizens of the United States should pay for her sinful bodily choices (which she apparently can’t control), and, if they refuse, she accuses them of robbing her of her bodily control.  Another student, Sandra Fluke went as far as to say that women enrolling in Catholic universities merely “expected women to be treated equally, to have their medical needs met.”

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Where are the sane Americans?

Where is someone to stand up and tell Ms. Keely and Ms. Sandra to stop begging for someone else’s money and control their own friggin’ bodies or go pay for their own damn birth control?

But already too many people agree with Ms. Keely and Ms. Sandra (and Mr. Obama) that it is the place of government to offer everything to everyone for free, including payment for sin.

Oh, I smell retirement now.

The second advance in my kingdom’s goals was revealed in a Daily Caller article on this topic, with the enlightening title, Southern  Baptist Convention’s Richard Land: ‘How dumb does [Obama] think we  are?’  Mr. Land’s question came after Obama, showing he really is my servant, offered an “adjustment” to the mandate that righteous people pay for the sins of others by shifting payment obligations from employers to insurance companies.

But the delightful question answers itself.

Obama does believe you are dumb.

And he has good reason.

Because, think about it, my servants, who can stop him?

Really, who can stop him?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Who can stop me?

Retirement, here I come!

Protestants and Catholics? They’re both found in Hell.

Posted in Catholic Church, religion with tags , , , on January 16, 2012 by devilbloggger

Religion.

You know, my servants, that I’ve made “religion” a bad word, even though everyone has one.  Yes, everyone has a belief system that deals with ultimate questions, including where one goes when one dies.  What I love most are the fools who claim to have no religious beliefs, and yet will argue day and night against those with different religious beliefs.  Atheists are a prime example.  All they talk about is religion, and all they do is defend their religion against others.

But do you know what I enjoy almost as much as atheists showing themselves fools?

No?

OK, I’ll tell you.

It’s protestants and Catholics arguing among themselves, accusing one another, and condemning one another to Hell.

Yes, it’s rare that either group is so explicit, but underlying each side’s respective dialogs on religion is the underlying suspicion held by one group that most adherents of the other group are going to Hell.

Admittedly painting with a broad brush, let me summarize the view from Hell.  Protestants believe that Catholics have corrupted the simplicity of the gospel with “religion” (which is why they protested in the first place).  Protestants believe Catholicism is a religion of works, and its adherents fail to adequately understand salvation by grace through faith.   Catholics, on the other hand, although being a little slippery on this point, at a gut level believe the Catholic Church IS the church of Jesus Christ on earth, so that, by definition, one who does not belong to the Catholic Church is, by definition, going to Hell.

This tension was brought to my attention most recently by an interesting blog post over at patheos.com’s Bad Catholic blog entitled, “Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus — The Smackdown.”  Written by “Marc” in response to a YouTube video with the name “Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus,” the post is a well-written response by a Catholic to counter a well-done defense by a protestant of the idea that “religion” is antithetical to a relationship with Jesus, necessary for salvation.  Marc makes a good defense of “religion,” and Catholicism, which he rightfully infers, is the religion targeted in the YouTube video.

Here is what you need to know, my servants, the eternal home of human beings is not determined by labels, protestant or Catholic.  The eternal home of individual human beings is dependent upon one thing: their spiritual state on earth based on a spirit made alive by the grace of God through Jesus Christ.

Period.

There are many protestants that have never been made alive, i.e., born again by the Spirit of God.  They may be protestants on earth, but we call them friend in Hell.

And, of course, there are many Catholics that go through the motions and haven’t a clue as to the saving grace of Jesus Christ.  We do see a tendency among Catholics to rely on the outward appearances of ritual and tradition to ensure their salvation.

Here’s the bottom line, my friends: Hell is full of those who called themselves protestants and Catholics on earth.

Who is not here?

Those protestants and Catholics and anyone other “good servants” whom God calls Christians.

Most US Catholics Need to Get a Clue

Posted in abortion, Catholic Church, christians, Obama with tags , , , on November 17, 2011 by devilbloggger

Clue.

Do you know what you call a Catholic who does not hold to Catholic teaching?  Well, apparently you still call him or her a “Catholic”.  And because I’ve hoodwinked large swaths of “Catholics” (quotes necessary, sorry) to continue self-identifying as Catholics, the entire institution is headed to destruction.

Not that that’s a bad thing, of course.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Let me illustrate, my servants.  There is hardly a better object lesson in Catholic split personality disorder than the Catholic response to President Barack Obama.  According to Michael Gerson’s opinion in today’s Washington Post, entitled, “Obama turns his back on Catholics,” 54% of Catholics supported Obama’s election!

54%!

More than half of Catholics supported a man who has absolutely no clue about Christianity, including Catholicism.  More than half of Catholics supported a man who wholeheartedly, without apology, with a proven record, supports abortion. (Obama only reluctantly stops short of wholeheartedly supporting infanticide).  More than half of Catholics supported a man who throws his support behind homosexuality, same-sex marriage, and forcing every American to celebrate it with him.

Someone needs to get a clue.

Either Obama needs to get a clue.  Or . . .

Ha ha ha ha ha.

You see, my friends, I am the clue-hider.  With clues lying around like blinking strobe lights of anti-Catholic sentiment, I still duped 54% of Catholics, oops, “Catholics,” into supporting Obama.

Oh, I’m good.

But even better than getting those 54% to support a man who hates their values, I have even convinced God-believing institutions to support a man who continually saddens the heart of God.

As Gerson states, in 2009 I convinced the University of Notre Dame to invite “a champion of abortion rights to deliver the school’s commencement address.”

Clue, anyone?

In his address at the University of Our Lady, Obama made clear that “ladies” on earth would trump God when he lied about “honor[ing] the conscience of those who disagree with abortion.”  Obama spoke of “ensuring that all of our health-care policies are grounded not only in sound science but also in clear ethics, as well as respect for the equality of [already born] women.”

Clue, anyone?

Obama has not turned his back on Catholics; he always had his back to Catholics.  Just as he has always had his back turned to God.

But, as Gerson documents, fortunately for Obama, 54% of clueless Catholics had his back.

Gerson continues:

Now the conscience protections of Catholics are under assault, particularly by the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS).

Why?  I’ll bet you can guess.

Close.  Here’s why: because, as Gerson writes, the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB), using federal grant money, administers programs that aid victims of human trafficking don’t refer for abortions.  And because they won’t refer for abortions, the HHS last month abruptly ended its funding.

According to Gerson:

It did not matter that an independent review board had rated the bishops’ program more effective than those of its competitors — or that career HHS employees objected to the politicized handling of the grant.

The HHS defended its decision because it was “giving preference to grantees that offer ‘the full range of legally permissible gynecological and obstetric care.’”

Clue, anyone?

The HHS, my servants, like Obama himself, has a short list of nonnegotiables.  And one of them abortion.  No matter what he says in feigned support of a pro-life position, he is lying.  It is clearly apparent to anyone with a clue.

But, because clues are in short supply, instead we get Sebelius at the HHS, of whom Gerson writes:

Sebelius — an outspoken pro-choice Catholic — has a long history of conflict with Catholic authorities.

Does anyone see the clear contradiction here?  Actually, no, which is a sign of my great skill in clue-hiding.  No one recognizes the clear oxymoron in that sentence, like describing someone as a 6-foot tall midget.  It is definitionally impossible.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Gerson concludes:

Sebelius is becoming a political embarrassment at an inconvenient time. It will be significantly harder for Obama to repeat his appeal to Catholic voters while a part of his administration is at war with Catholic leaders and Catholic belief.

Actually, it won’t be hard at all.

Because most Catholics are “Catholics”.

And Obama knows they have his back.

Someone does, after all, have a clue.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Evolution: Good for (my) Theologies

Posted in atheism, atheists, Bible, Catholic Church, common sense, creation, creationism, evolution, Original Sin, science, theology, Truth with tags , , , on August 30, 2011 by devilbloggger

Evolution.

Want to start an argument among Christians?  Just mention “evolution” in a crowd of two or more, and sit back and watch the show.  I watch it all the time, and I must say it never fails to amuse.

You know, atheists must believe in “evolution,” because they are constrained in their chosen belief system to only one interpretation of the evidence.  In a sense, atheists have it easy; they don’t have to really think about the evidence.  For atheists the answer to every question of origins must be answered in only one way. 

Atheists could wear T-shirts saying “Evolution is the answer, what’s the question?”

But Christians?  Those poor souls are in a quandary.  They are not mind-constrained to only one answer to the question “where do we come from?”  And because “science” demands one explanation and God another, Christians end up confused.

Many Christians lazily believe “science” over God.

It’s a beautiful sight.

And then I read in Forbes online today an article on this topic entitled, “Can Theology Evolve?”  In this piece author John Farrell explores:

. . .the recent Nature article on the increasing evidence that modern humans have inherited the genes of more than a few now-extinct relatives on the evolutionary tree, NPR hosted a short program on what this all means for one of the fundamental stories of Judaism, Christianity and Islam.

I linked to this story from a link at RealClearReligion: The Vatican Has a Problem with Evolution.

Well, well, well. 

Problem?

Yes, Problem, with a capital “P”.

Because, as Farrell explores in his article, the bottom line is simple and stark: if “evolution” is true, then the Bible is not true.

If “evolution” is true, then Adam and Eve were not real people, I did not tempt Eve, and Adam was not the first sinner, and there is no original sin.

In fact, if “evolution” is true the entire tapestry of Christianity tatters and shreds into little pieces of thread to be trampled on the floor of history.

A beautiful sight, I must admit.

What are we, my servants, to make of this growing controversy?

First, the easy points: Of course theology can evolve.  Duh!  Why do you think there are so many various theologies out there?  I’m behind all but one.  And all but one have evolved to the place they are now.

And as for the Vatican, the RealClearReligion’s statement is misplaced.  The real issue is “God has a problem with evolution.”

Let me explain, my servants.  What I am about to share is highly confidential kingdom knowledge.  Please casually look around and make sure no one can see your computer.

Clear?

OK.  Pay attention.  I put “evolution” in quotes because one of my greatest lies on earth is to deceive many into hopeless confusion merely by confounding what the term evolution means.  I keep people confused, darkened, and generally theologically schizophrenic because people don’t understand how the word is used, and what it really means as understood by modern biologists.

The real meaning behind “evolution” as used by any modern biologist refers not to mere “change over time” (as your high school teacher would have you believe), but Darwinian “change by mindless, unguided, purposeless processes of nature.”

Don’t doubt me on this one, my friends.  I’m the one behind the nonsense of Darwinism.  Regardless of all wishful thinking that “evolution is true but God is behind it all,” the bottom line is that such thinking is hogwash; “science” demands a purely naturalistic definition, and a purely naturalistic definition is just that: no mind behind creation.

Keep in mind that “science” doesn’t say anything, scientists do.

And if a scientist is constrained (as they virtually all are in modern academia) to a naturalistic explanation of science, then that scientist will always, without exception, come to a Godless “scientific” explanation of our human origins.

It is my way.  Start with a lie, end with a lie.

Clearly an explanation for human origins (and indeed, the entire universe) that starts and ends with mindless, unguided, purposeless processes can not in any way be squared with the Bible’s explanation of creation.

Someone is lying.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Yes, someone is lying to you, my friends.

Either matter came from mind in a purposeful creative act, or mind came from matter in a purposeless, accidental act.

There are only two choices.

But I ensure you will never be faced with a choice, a real choice demanded by the scientific evidence, because I’ve structured all of academia to guard a constrained definition of “science” as requiring only naturalistic, materialistic explanations for all natural phenomena.  This means that unless you take it upon yourself to read the excellent literature on the topic of intelligent design, you will never know the truth.

Truth?

Whoops.  Now we are into highly confidential territory. 

You see, my servants, I’ve forced the public discussion of origins into a “science or religion” framework.  And what is lost is a common sense inquiry into what is true?

Consider: if one does like the scientists of old, and put aside forced constraints on potential theories, and let free thinking reign with the goal of knowing truth, then evolution will die like other scientific theories.

The evidence simply does not support the requirement of Darwinism that new, beneficial forms, organs, or other features of species differentiation came about by unguided, natural processes.

The evidence does not support Darwinism.  There is absolutely no evidence that an unguided, purposeless process can produce new, novel, beneficial features needed for speciation (as opposed to silly things like peppered moths (no speciation) and finch beaks (again, no speciation)).

The fact that you don’t believe me just goes to show how effective I am at perpetuating a lie.

Look it up yourself.

As I’ve engineered modern atheistic science (the only kind allowed any more in public schools), as soon as one starts inferring design by using the common sense scientific method, the explanation is immediately assigned to the “religious” category, never to see the darkness of my scientific night.

Of course, this constraint is placed on “science” only for origins science.  Other scientific fields depend entirely on making design inferrences.  The entire discipline of archeology is built on inferring design from artifacts for which there is no evidence of the original designer.

An archeologist finds a piece of pottery and wonders (without hesitation, and with no hope of an answer) “who made this?”

A biologist finds reams of information coded into the cell like computer programs but is not allowed to ask “who” made it, but only “how” did “evolution” make it.

Evolution is the answer, what’s the question?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

I’m good, I’m really, really good.

In fact, when one removes the constraints of naturalism and materialism, and opens one’s mind to finding truth, regardless of its label as “science” or “religion”, one will find that science actually points to design.

Remember, this is our secret, right?

Good. Now close your mind and go evolve!

Do My Liberals Really Care About Displeasing the Church?

Posted in agnostics, atheists, Catholic Church, political correctness with tags , , , , on August 2, 2011 by devilbloggger

Communion.

This is devilishly delicious, my servants.  Do you know what is one of the greatest signs of my will on earth?  It’s when Godless (but not godless) liberals try to jump on God’s side when it’s convenient for them to do so.  And because liberals are artless when it comes to feigning spirituality, they always embarrass themselves, which should teach them a lesson.

Remember, I am Liberal One.  I have perfected my ability to artfully lie, deceive and dissimulate on spiritual matters and take entire swaths of the population with me.  I try to get my peeps to emulate me, but sometimes they just intellectually soil themselves. 

I must admit — sometimes when this happens it does make me smile.

So let me share with you what made me smile today.  Tipped off by the Creative Minority Report, I linked via DevilNet to the DailyKos blog, a popular US blog run by a guy named Markos Moulitsas, who goes by “Kos”. 

Ol’ Kos believes himself to be Liberal One.  I let him believe that.  Someday he, like everyone, will know the truth.

Ol’ Kos’ blog post entitled, “Will Catholic bishops deny John Boehner communion?” immediately caught my attention because I had never known Ol’ Kos to care what the Catholic Church had to say on anything, except, perhaps, to denigrate it. 

It appears Ol’ Kos “got religion” all sudden like.

In fact, upon closer inspection, I’m pleased to tell you that Ol’ Kos didn’t switch religions to the God-believing, God-honoring type.  He’s still my same old dupe. 

What has Ol’ Kos all worked up is that duly elected US Representative John Boehner persuaded other duly elected public officials to vote on the US’ recent “debt deal” in a way that displeases Ol’ Kos.  Ol’ Kos, who hates to be displeased deemed that  “John Boehner, Catholic, is displeasing the US Conference of Catholic Bishops.”

Really?

But Ol’ Kos cares what Catholics believe?

Why?

Yes, that’s exactly what I asked: why?

It seems that Ol’ Kos has “got religion” over the US Conference of Catholic Bishops’ (USCCB) foray into politics in the budget debate.  The predictably un-Biblical US Conference of Liberal Catholic Bishops believes that a “just framework for future budgets blah blah blah blah liberal talking points blah blah blah more liberal talking points blah blah blah . . .”

And, of course, Kos, who subscribes to the religion of “blah blah,” latched on to that pronouncement to exhibit his righteous indignation by posing the stupid question: “Given [Boehner’s] ignoring the church on this matter, will he be denied communion?”

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Sorry, my servants.  Give me just a second.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Even I have to admit that this sort of blatant, blind stupidity must be called out.  Yes, I like my bud Ol’ Kos.  Yes, I even like my buds at the USCLCB.

But this is just too beautifully asinine.

As the folks at Creative Minority Report put it:

Isn’t it funny how lefties like Moulitsas ignore actual Church doctrine but transform the liberal rantings of a few at the USCCB into infallible dogma?

Yes, yes it is.  That’s why my uncontrollable laughter a moment ago.

Hey, Ol’ Kos my bud, what if, theoretically, a member of the US Congress voted consistently pro-abortion?  What would you say about that hypothetical person’s right to communion?

No, really, what would you say?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

I’m going to forward this to ten of my friends.

Church growth in America (my way)

Posted in Bible, Catholic Church, christians, gospel, liberals, multiculturalism, political correctness, theology, toleration, Truth with tags , , on July 11, 2011 by devilbloggger

Shrinking.

Have you ever heard of a Church Shrink Expert?  A Church Shrink Consultant?  How about a Church De-membership Drive, or a Church Negative Growth Committee?

No?

I don’t know why not.  After all, Church Shrink Experts and Church Shrink Consultants are ubiquitous in the modern church.  In fact, they control most of the governing bodies of the mainline denominations, leading them step by step to empty pews and cultural irrelevancy.

It took years for me to groom the numbers on earth today, but Church Shrink Experts now control most established protestant denominations, and many Catholic and Orthodox churches.

And they are very effective. 

Does anyone care?  Consider Churchboy:  If your local congregation disappeared today, would anyone in your community care tomorrow?  Would anyone in your community even notice?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Answer honestly Churchboy.  The fact of the matter is that most churches on earth today exist primarily for those inside and hardly at all for those outside. 

And the numbers of those inside are shrinking. 

Coincidence?

My servants, I’ve watched the steady decline in numbers of mainline churches with great pride.  I am Church Shrinking Expert One, and I must pat myself on the back for my great success in this area. 

And, at the risk of reversing my trend I thought I would share three tips for Church Shrinking with you.  What spurred my thinking on this was a news story today in The New American entitled, “United Church of Christ Votes to Remove “Heavenly Father” from Bylaws.” 

Ha ha ha ha ha.

I love it!  Remove Heavenly Father from their earthly, human, manmade bylaws?  

The New American reports:

Explaining the change, which reflects a trend toward gender-neutralizing (and in some cases feminizing) God that has been in vogue throughout the denomination for years, UCC spokesperson Barb Powell told World Net Daily:

In the UCC, our language for God, Christ and the Holy Spirit … is preferred to be more open for different expressions of the Trinity. Heavenly Father is just one vision.

Well, yes, “Heavenly Father” is just one vision.  Never mind that it is God’s vision.  I suppose when one decides to make God politically correct anything is possible.  If scripture is to be ignored another equally valid vision is that God is a unicorn.  Even better, a bi-sexual unicorn with two mommies.

Why not?

No, really, why not??

But what I like best is the quote from David Runnion-Bareford of Biblical Witness Fellowship (BWF), a group formed to battle “UCC’s theological surrender to the moral and spiritual confusion of contemporary culture.”

He called the latest compromise by the church, which is one of the most rapidly shrinking Protestant denominations in America, “a powerful confession by the Synod of the UCC that, having rebelled against the word of God, is on sinking sand — with our members, churches, historic witness, and identity in Christ washing away before our eyes.”

Sorry Dave, you are losing this battle.  And the great swooshing sound of church members washing away before your eyes illustrates my first, and most important Church Shrinking tip: 

Tip 1: Be Relevant; mold scripture to modern culture.

Get it?  It is the Gospel of Modern Niceness.   Modern political correctness demands tolerant niceness to all.  We all learn that it’s nice to be nice to the nice, and the only one’s who aren’t nice are those meanies who believe the Bible to be God the Father’s (sorry, UCC) word on earth.

Does gender specific language offend?  Then just change it!  Be relevant to those to whom (and to those two, whom) such language is a barrier to communion with whatever God you believe you worship. 

But the Niceness doesn’t end at gender nonsense, of course.  Niceness leads to denominational endorsement of same-sex marriage, ordination of homosexual ministers, and implicit condoning all manner of sexual impropriety that now imposes as the contemporary norm.  Consider an elaboration of this tip from John Richardson, who has studied Shrinkology in modern churches:

Contemporary relevance is a fundamental tool in denominational shrinkage. Not only does it deter people from going to your churches, it actually camouflages the fact that they are not.

And, as Richardson states, here is the great lie that goes unnoticed until all the pews are empty:

But of course nobody will commit themselves to a church which is preaching what they (the non-churchgoer) already practise. Sundays are for resting, in bed or with family and friends, not sitting in uncomfortable buildings … watching badly performed rituals and listening to the blessed thoughts of the half-unbelieving and half-trained, though well-intentioned, minister.

I couldn’t have said it any better.  And it just amazes me how many Christian denominations, in an effort to grow abandon the very reason for church in the first place: scripturally sound doctrine that drives a self-controlled disciplined lifestyle, set apart from the world, being transformed by the renewing of the mind to God’s thoughts to be more like Jesus daily.

Blechhhh!  I can’t believe I even wrote that.

Tip 2:  Drop Your Demands

Related to being relevant in modern culture, dropping troublesome demands on a sinful lifestyle and stressing holiness is a sure-fire church shrinker.  As Richardson notes:

[M]aintaining the demands of orthodox belief generally doesn’t sit well with denominational shrinkage. A broad church is, by and large, a leaky church. If you want to lose the average person from your church then, paradoxically, you must declare as ‘faith’ what the average person already finds it easy and comfortable to believe. Never mention the afterlife except in terms of cosy reassurance about the love of God. Specifically, never mention hell – except when assuring people that a loving God could not possibly send anyone to such an awful place invented by vindictive humans etc. (It may be necessary to keep off the Bible in general or Jesus’ own words in particular at this point.)

Yes, make your church one of Easy Believism.  Do not require repentance, a holy lifestyle, adherence to scripture in matters of morals and behavior, or any of the other things that Jesus tends to like.  And never, never, mention H-E-L-L.

Tip 3:  Never mention or stress mission.

Jesus gave a Great Commission that scared the socks off me when I first heard it.  Go into all the world . . . making disciples . . . of all nations.  Each phrase chilled my already cold soul as I realized what would happen to my kingdom once the Great Commissioners got moving. 

Fortunately in the modern church today, particularly in Western cultures, there is virtually no Great Commissioning going on.  Most Christians go through their entire lives without making one disciple!

I know, my servants, I know.  It’s unbelievable!

But it’s true.  Churches with members that don’t reach out to friends, neighbors, co-workers, and their surrounding community with Good Deeds and Good News will only shrink away to oblivion.  It is inevitable; it is happening now.  As Richardson concludes, quoting a book The Churching of America 1776–1990 by Roger Finke and Rodney Stark:

[T]o the degree that denominations rejected traditional doctrines and ceased to make serious demands on their followers, they ceased to prosper. The churching of America was accomplished by aggressive churches committed to vivid otherworldliness.

Yes, that’s true to an extent.  But the fact is that all churches are committed to “otherworldliness.”  But because the “otherworldliness” is not “vivid” a shrinking number are aggressively committed to God’s “other world” while a growing number are aggressively committed to my “other world.”

Lack of vividity fuels church growth my way.

Viva nonvividity!

3 in 10 Americans don’t worry me

Posted in atheism, Bible, Catholic Church, christians, False religion, liberals, theology, worldview with tags , , on July 9, 2011 by devilbloggger

Quote of the Day:  But overall I love the mere confessors, because virtually all of them are lukewarm, just the way I like it.
Gays kissin’ and dissin’ (what’s missin’?)

Literal.

What would happen, my servants, if one person on earth believed, I mean really believed, that the Bible was the actual word of the living God?  Well, of course, there was one person for whom that was actually true, and he almost destroyed my kingdom single-handedly. 

I often wonder why he didn’t.

And today there are many, many people who threaten my kingdom by similarly believing that God exists and obey his word as being literally true.  That combination of beliefs in a person signals a clear and present danger to my kingdom, and I deploy my most effective resources against such people. 

I can usually neutralize the impact of true believers by ensuring they experience either severe trials of their faith or extreme material blessing.  Both tend to result in a spiritually crippled believer; one dragging down to despair and the other conning into complacency.

I’ve used both techniques on the world for years with great results.  The numbers of people who believe the Bible to be the literal word of God shrink daily.  In the West I’ve leveraged primarily material blessing together with higher education and the lie of politicoreligious pluralistic mumbojumboism to steadily numb the spiritual senses of people. 

Weak and lazy minds distracted by the cares of this world work to further my kingdom on earth.

That’s why, my servants, I was surprised to read in my Huffington Post (in the Mumbojumboism section) the headline, “Poll: 3 in 10 Americans Take The Bible Literally.” 

Huh?

Americans?

Sure enough, apparently it’s true.  As stated by HuffPo:

A new Gallup poll reveals that three out of ten Americans believe the Bible to be the actual word of God, to be interpreted literally, word for word.

Well, well.  So many of you Americans have been holding out on me, eh?  I look for people like you 3-in-10’s all the time.  If Gallup had asked me I would have put the number at around 1 in 100,000.  As I roam about the earth, including America, seeking whom I might destroy I focus on exactly your type, you 3-in10’s. 

Where are you hiding?

Wait a minute.  Let me think about this.  Is it possible for someone to believe the Bible to be the actual word of God, to be interpreted literally, word for word, and I not know it?  Wouldn’t an army of 3-in-10’s pretty much put my kingdom in tatters in short order?

By my calculation, 3 in 10 Americans is 100,000,000 Americans! 

100,000,000!! 

One hundred million people, any one of whom could successfully storm the gates of Hell and cause me to flee!  Any one of whom could lead large numbers of my captives to freedom in Christ by the preaching of the gospel, the caring for the poor, and the healing of the hurt and wounded.

I haven’t noticed any particular large scale threat to my kingdom coming out of America.  In fact, I see shrinking church membership, anemic church attendance, and a largely politically silenced impotence among Christians and those who call themselves Christians in the U.S.  (Maybe the 2.9 in10 fall in the latter classification??)

I wonder if God has noticed anything.  Maybe I’ll ask him next opportunity I have to inquire of him, as I did with Job, where I might find a righteous person to persecute.

So, my servants, what are we to make of this putative bad news about American 3-in-10’s?  First, note that the 3 in 10 statistic is down from previous years.  In 1980 and 1984 the number peaked at 40% — 4 in 10!  Second, note that in the same survey 17% believe the Bible to be a book of fables and legends.

And note further, my servants, that responses to the Gallup poll shifted drastically by levels of education.  As reported:

Of those with a high school diploma or less, 46 percent say they take the Bible literally, while only 16 percent of those with a postgraduate degree align with this view.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

What does this poll taken together with real world experience say?  Well, from my perspective it says that 3 in 10 Americans are either uneducated or liars.

Or both.

So we need not be concerned, my friends.  Let the Christians bask in their 3-in-10 status.  It makes little difference to me.

Look at it this way:  do you think America would be any different if 10 in 10 Americans believe the Bible to be the actual word of God, to be interpreted literally, word for word the same way the current 3-in-10’s do?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

And the beat goes on.

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