Archive for the Christmas Category

O Holy Naught

Posted in Christmas with tags on December 22, 2011 by devilbloggger

The First Christmas According to Satan (Part I)

Many have undertaken to draw up an account of the things that were fulfilled among the first eyewitnesses of the life of Jesus Christ.  However, because I myself carefully investigated everything from the very beginning, it seemed good to me to write an orderly account for you, my servants, so that you may know the certainty of my existence.

Things were quiet in the land of Israel for hundreds of years during the time of Herod, king of Judea.  I thought I had finally silenced all God talk on earth.  My only goal was to completely demoralize the remaining Jews so my kingdom would come on earth.

There were a few stalwarts of the faith, such as an obstinate priest named Zechariah, and his wife Elizabeth.  They each resisted my temptations to flee from uprightness, even though I blocked their constant prayers, so that Elizabeth stayed barren, and they both grew old. 

I received a great shock one day when Zechariah’s division was on duty and he was serving as priest before God.  The day started as any of the days of the previous 400 years; even the priests, having become lax in their duties, chose Zechariah by casting lots, which was their custom.

My demons assigned to priest duty started when an angel appeared in the midst of Zechariah, right before the altar of incense.  This demon had not seen an angel on earth in hundreds of years, but knowing an angel from many battles in the heavenlies, he ensured that Zechariah was startled and gripped with fear.

Gabriel, it’s Gabriel, the frantic voices raced through my ranks.  Fear followed quickly, sweeping through my kingdom with such swiftness that I could hardly keep control. The angel’s voice broke through the darkness of all Hell with words we hate: “Do not be afraid.”

Yes, be afraid, Zechariah, we shouted but were surprised at our ineffectiveness. Demons swirled about Zechariah in vain efforts to shut his ears and cause him to fear greatly.  Our efforts continued even as I listened closely to what the angel said, words that chilled my heart as I understood God was on the move.

Zechariah will have a son! Is this the one?  He is to make ready a people prepared for the Lord.  What could this mean?  I dispatched a crack team of demons to follow this development closely, watching closely for any more appearances by Gabriel.

My strategy paid off; only a few months later we found Gabriel once again addressing a human being, this time a young virgin.  And we heard the most horrifying words of all:

“You, Mary, will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus.  He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High.  The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over Jacob’s descendants forever.”

NO!  I privately fretted.  How could this be?  I had cut off the kings of Israel.  “Forever” was a word I associated with my success in ending the line of kings, cut off like a stump—the “stump of Jesse” we sneered in our Hellish pride.

How can this be? I thought, even as I heard Mary echo my thoughts, since Mary is a virgin!

And then my worst nightmare unfolded in an instant, with terrifying thoughts tumbling in around me in a blinding reality: That’s it!  That’s how he is going to do it!  A virgin! Of course—any other way and this child would be born into sin like every man since Adam. 

But a virgin!  A sinless human being!  Can it really be?

Then Gabriel’s words thundered across all of Hell:

“The power of the Most High will overshadow you.  So the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God. . . . For no word from God will ever fail.”

Well, I thought, we’ll see about that.

And I set off to do all I could to ensure this child never be born, and once born tried to kill him through my servant King Herod. 

I was unsuccessful, my servants, in stopping Jesus Christ, Son of God, from entering history with a life-changing presence that first Christmas day.

But, my servants, give me credit. I’ve been extremely successful in driving Jesus Christ, Son of God, out of modern history, together with his life-changing presence since that first Christmas day.

Oh holy naught!  My cigars are burning brightly,
It is the night that we jeer the Savior’s birth.
Now lays the world enjoying sin and whining.
Still he is sneered and the Spirit shunned from earth.
A slippery slope the cheery world rejoices,
More ponderous makes the new and glorious scorn.
Fall to appease! Oh we’re here for Satan’s choices!
O naught of mine, the night Christ is forlorn;
O naught, unholy naught, O naught of mine!
O naught, unholy naught, O naught of mine!

To be continued . . .

Christmas “wars” in the news already?

Posted in Christmas, Uncategorized with tags , , , on November 8, 2011 by devilbloggger

Already?

Get ready, my friends.  At least my friends in the United States, where Christmas has become primarily a culture war struggle and secondarily a pleasant, wholesome holiday.

Did I say “holiday“?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Oh, Christmas is a special time of year, and I’m surprised my fun is starting so early.

But it is.

I read today that Scott Walker (blechhh!), governor of the state of Wisconsin in the USA, is bucking my 20-year trend toward religion-hating secularism, and calling the state Holiday Tree a “Christmas” Tree.

Yes, really!

The story is in today’s Chicago Tribune, my friends.  Entitled “Walker says it’s a Christmas, not holiday, tree.”  Now, everywhere else in the world sane readers are scratching their heads wondering if the Americans have lost their minds.

Yes.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Actually, they have not lost their minds, they have merely let me run amok with their minds.  Americans who actively, politically hate God (there are about 17 in the US) have used the American constitution to completely ruin the collective cultural lives of the remaining Americans who profess a belief in God, or at least don’t care if others do (there are about 200 million in the US).  The Americans, in an effort not to offend the 17 have screwed up American culture, probably permanently.

And it’s all because of me.

Christmas is one of my primary cultural battlegrounds.  Over the years I’ve successfully made “Christmas” a bad word.  It’s a word associated with “religion” and “fundamentalists” and generally banned from all polite discourse, lest someone be offended.

That’s why Scott Walker is in the news today.  You see, as the Tribune story reports, “The roughly 30-foot-tall tree was called a Christmas tree from the first display in 1916 until 1985.”

And what happened in 1985?

According to the Tribune article:  “That’s when politicians bowed to concerns about government endorsing religion and started referring to it as a holiday tree.”

You see?  Are Americans brain-dead, or what?  Calling a Christmas tree a Christmas tree is “endorsing a religion” and is therefore unconstitutional?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

I’m good.  I’m really good.

But we need to stop this Walker dude, my servants.  Write him hate mail, and, if you really want to make a difference, support the Madison (Wisconsin)-based Freedom From Religion Foundation.  Yes, this good group of my useful idiots has already come out in opposition to Walker’s decision.  According to the group’s president, Annie Laurie Gaylor, Walker’s decision is “rude and insensitive to non-Christians.”

Preach it, Annie dear!  Make sure that “rude and insensitive” is the standard for deciding these kinds of issues.

Wait!  What if calling a Christmas tree a “holiday tree” is rude and insensitive to Christians???

Shut up, Annie dear!  You will only make matters worse for me and my kingdom with that kind of reasoning.

Oh, this season is going to be fun!

I just hope Annie keeps her big trap shut.

Silent night? Holy fright!

Posted in Christmas with tags on December 25, 2010 by devilbloggger

The First Christmas According to Satan (Part II)

Gabriel’s message allowed us to focus our efforts on one person: the baby in Mary’s womb.  My task: to kill this child.  So in those days I caused Caesar Augustus to disrupt Mary’s life by requiring that at the height of her pregnancy she and Joseph be forced to travel to Joseph’s hometown for a census.

I was a little nervous because Joseph’s hometown was Bethlehem the town of David.  I knew the significance of Bethlehem, but I was hopeful that the rough donkey ride from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea might fatally disrupt this strange birth. 

Unfortunately they made it to Bethlehem.  What to do now? I thought frantically.  If only Mary lived in modern times she would no doubt be pressured into a safe abortion.  But abortions were not yet every already-born woman’s right back then, and even with the embarrassing story about being a virgin, the thought never crossed Mary’s mind. 

Once the two trouble makers were in Bethlehem, I conveniently ensured that there were no rooms available in any inns.  We were all quite delighted to see Mary in pain and Joseph suffering in a cold, dirty barn full of animals.  Surely here I might find conditions suitable for my purposes, especially with very confused and unprepared Joseph. 

But no sooner had we gathered to celebrate my success than in the dark of the night we heard the first cries ever from the mouth of a sinless baby.  Imagine! Never had a sinless baby taken a breath on this earth.  And now the sounds of his cry sent pangs of fear up and down Hell as Mary lovingly wrapped him in swaddling clothes and placed him in a nearby manger.

Now our task was to keep this event quiet.  We began planning how to ensure that no one else knew about God’s work.  Our plan was that Joseph and Mary, both living with the stigma of an out of wedlock birth, would go live quietly among their people. 

Then to our chagrin we were shocked as the sky split with angel of the Lord hovering over a nearby field, shining a great light about the whole area.  What is this? we asked among ourselves.  It appeared the angel had something to do with Jesus, but as we checked we found no one near but some shepherds, watching their flocks by night. 

What would an angel have to do with lowly shepherds; who cares what they think? We instinctively moved closer, and to our horror we heard the angel’s awful voice boom out our worst nightmare: 

“Do not be afraid.  I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people.  

Good news? Not for us!  And it got worse: 

“Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord.” 

So much for our plans to keep this low key.  But surely they would never find Jesus in the barn where we stuck him.  But we were outsmarted again, as the angel continued: 

“This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.” 

No! No! What else could go wrong?  Things were going from bad to worse when suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, 

 “Glory to God in the highest heaven,
   and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”

 We covered our ears and turned our heads until the angels had left them and gone into heaven. 

We were still dizzy with confusion and anguish when we overheard the shepherds say to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.” 

So we watched in dismay as they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger.  

And do you know what those meddling shepherds did?  When they had seen Jesus, they went out and spread the word concerning what had been told them about the child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. 

My servants, that first Christmas morn must honestly be chalked up as a defeat for me and my kingdom.  It still makes me sick to thing how close we came, and to think how if we had been successful how different history would turn out.  

After we tried to disrupt the infant Jesus at birth, we tried to have 2-year old Jesus killed by Herod, we tried to get 12-year old Jesus lost and separated from his family, and we tried multiple times to have the adult Jesus stoned. 

We finally succeeded in killing Jesus, of course.  More on that later. 

But for now, my servants, just be glad that at least I’ve successfully blunted most of the efforts as modern day shepherds and other meddlers from spreading the word.  And we’ve sensitized people to the angel’s words so that few are amazed anymore.  And we’ve politicized the religiously cultural aspects of Christmas. 

But, oh, if we could only have stopped that first sinless baby.

O Holy Naught

Posted in Christmas with tags on December 23, 2010 by devilbloggger

The First Christmas According to Satan (Part I)

Many have undertaken to draw up an account of the things that were fulfilled among the first eyewitnesses of the life of Jesus Christ.  However, because I myself carefully investigated everything from the very beginning, it seemed good to me to write an orderly account for you, my servants, so that you may know the certainty of my existence.

Things were quiet in the land of Israel for hundreds of years during the time of Herod, king of Judea.  I thought I had finally silenced all God talk on earth.  My only goal was to completely demoralize the remaining Jews so my kingdom would come on earth.

There were a few stalwarts of the faith, such as an obstinate priest named Zechariah, and his wife Elizabeth.  They each resisted my temptations to flee from uprightness, even though I blocked their constant prayers, so that Elizabeth stayed barren, and they both grew old. 

I received a great shock one day when Zechariah’s division was on duty and he was serving as priest before God.  The day started as any of the days of the previous 400 years; even the priests, having become lax in their duties, chose Zechariah by casting lots, which was their custom.

My demons assigned to priest duty started when an angel appeared in the midst of Zechariah, right before the altar of incense.  This demon had not seen an angel on earth in hundreds of years, but knowing an angel from many battles in the heavenlies, he ensured that Zechariah was startled and gripped with fear.

Gabriel, it’s Gabriel, the frantic voices raced through my ranks.  Fear followed quickly, sweeping through my kingdom with such swiftness that I could hardly keep control. The angel’s voice broke through the darkness of all Hell with words we hate: “Do not be afraid.”

Yes, be afraid, Zechariah, we shouted but were surprised at our ineffectiveness. Demons swirled about Zechariah in vain efforts to shut his ears and cause him to fear greatly.  Our efforts continued even as I listened closely to what the angel said, words that chilled my heart as I understood God was on the move.

Zechariah will have a son! Is this the one?  He is to make ready a people prepared for the Lord.  What could this mean?  I dispatched a crack team of demons to follow this development closely, watching closely for any more appearances by Gabriel.

My strategy paid off; only a few months later we found Gabriel once again addressing a human being, this time a young virgin.  And we heard the most horrifying words of all:

“You, Mary, will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus.  He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High.  The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over Jacob’s descendants forever.”

NO!  I privately fretted.  How could this be?  I had cut off the kings of Israel.  “Forever” was a word I associated with my success in ending the line of kings, cut off like a stump—the “stump of Jesse” we sneered in our Hellish pride.

How can this be? I thought, even as I heard Mary echo my thoughts, since Mary is a virgin!

And then my worst nightmare unfolded in an instant, with terrifying thoughts tumbling in around me in a blinding reality: That’s it!  That’s how he is going to do it!  A virgin! Of course—any other way and this child would be born into sin like every man since Adam. 

But a virgin!  A sinless human being!  Can it really be?

Then Gabriel’s words thundered across all of Hell:

“The power of the Most High will overshadow you.  So the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God. . . . For no word from God will ever fail.”

Well, I thought, we’ll see about that.

And I set off to do all I could to ensure this child never be born, and once born tried to kill him through my servant King Herod. 

I was unsuccessful, my servants, in stopping Jesus Christ, Son of God, from entering history with a life-changing presence that first Christmas day.

But, my servants, give me credit. I’ve been extremely successful in driving Jesus Christ, Son of God, out of modern history, together with his life-changing presence since that first Christmas day.

Oh holy naught!  My cigars are burning brightly,
It is the night that we jeer the Savior’s birth.
Now lays the world enjoying sin and whining.
Still he is sneered and the Spirit shunned from earth.
A slippery slope the cheery world rejoices,
More ponderous makes the new and glorious scorn.
Fall to appease! Oh we’re here for Satan’s choices!
O naught of mine, the night Christ is forlorn;
O naught, unholy naught, O naught of mine!
O naught, unholy naught, O naught of mine!

To be continued . . .

Good news, Britain: Christ is offensive to me, too!

Posted in Christmas, islam, political correctness with tags , , on December 17, 2010 by devilbloggger

UPDATE:  devilbloggger acknowledges that the UK Mail article referenced in the story below appears to be an old article that was addressed at the time by the Red Cross.  See Gloria’s comment after post.  However, there is still something fishy about the Red Cross’ reaction to the original article.  It remains apparent that the Red Cross tries to be overly politically correct, choosing their words carefully to disguise that they do indeed choose to offend Christians over non-Christians.  This, of course is definitive political correctness, but because this is my plan, I approve.

Original post:

Merry Allahmas, anyone?

Senseless, silly, political correctness hardly gets any better than it did today in the United Kingdom, my servants.  I thought my demons were bloody joshing with me when they trumpeted the news of smashing success in our recently launched Operation Allahmas

Operation Allahmas is our covert operation at removing all traces of Christ from Christmas under the pretenses of not offending Muslims.

And we were successful in our first year of operation!  Ha ha ha ha ha.

Yes, my servants, just imagine my delight in reading the UK’s Daily Mail Online article entitled, “The Red Cross bans Christmas.”  I thought it was a joke, some kind of perverted trick my demons were playing on me.  But as I read I realized that I have truly succeeded in causing the British to lose their minds in an effort to broker offense in a politically correct manner.

Here’s a summary of the article:  Because the British Red Cross is deathly afraid of offending only Muslims the morally spineless leadership decided if someone must be offended this Christmas it will be a group for whom they need not be deathly afraid. 

Which group did the British Red Cross decide to offend during the Christmas season instead?

I’ll give you one guess.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Oh, my, my servants.  Bear with me; don’t go away.  Let me savor this for a few moments alone.

OK, I’ve savored.  Now lets enjoy our victory together for another moment or two. 

Hey, here’s a question: Is the Red Cross, which uses the Red Crescent in Countries of Easy Offense, going to remove all traces of festivity during Ramadan in Muslim countries so as not to offend Christians?

Ha ha ha ha ha. 

Oh, sorry, I can’t stop: ha ha ha ha ha.

Now, let’s examine more details about my UK Red Cross servants’ efforts to take Christ out of Christmas.  It seems that they levied rules for Christmas cards.  According to one worker:

‘When we send cards they have to say season’s greetings or best wishes. They must not be linked directly to Christmas.

Yes, Christmas cards must not be linked directly to Christmas.  Now, to be consistent, I’m sure the UK Red Cross has banned all mentions of the New Year in any “Happy New Year” cards.  Maybe they say “Happy Passing of Time” or something like that.  When asked why Christmas could not be linked with Christmas cards, the Red cross worker said:

‘When we asked we were told it is because we must not upset Moslems.’

I’m not making this up, my servants.  “Moslems” might get upset by Christmas decorations at Christmas, so instead, we will upset Christians, because who cares what they think.

Here’s the official reason given by “officials” for offending large numbers of Christians for fear of offending small numbers of Muslims:

‘The Red Cross is a neutral organisation and we don’t want to be aligned with any political party or particular philosophy,’ a spokesman said.

Well, my will is done on earth as it is in Hell.  Because the Red Cross has been fully duped into thinking that by offending Christians in an effort to not offend Muslims, it is “not aligned with any particular philosophy.”

I won!

Yes, I have convinced Red Cross “officials” that by adopting a God-offending, Christ-denying, Christmas-dissing, Muslim-friendly, philosophy, they are nevertheless not “aligning” with any “particular” philosophy.

But, in fact, as any thinking person will tell them, they just aligned themselves very clearly with a “particular” philosophy.  It is the philosophy that believes that God does not matter; he can be safely ignored and politically favored ideologies will be honored instead.  Because God either does not exist or he doesn’t matter, he must not be acknowledged if doing so offends any, including those who believe in a very different god, which is everyone but Christians.  So Christians lose every time (just the way I like it). 

And particularly delightful at Christmas, is the pleasing sight of the Red Cross aligning itself against the very particular philosophy of Christians, that “God With Us” Emmanuel, the Christ child was born.  Yes, this philosophy particularly offends the ruling elite of today’s politically correct offense brokers, and I’m thrilled to see that my removing their moral spine yielded fruit for my kingdom.

So don’t worry, my British cowards.  Ignore the outrage you must be receiving at this time, because I am honored.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Merry Allahmas, everyone!

No Christmas tree, no holiday tree (keep singing!)

Posted in Christmas, political correctness with tags , , , on December 6, 2010 by devilbloggger

Oh my, another tree taken down in obedience to my will.

And this time it wasn’t a Christmas tree.  It wasn’t even a holiday tree; it was a mere “winter” tree.  Ha ha ha ha ha.

My servants, further to my previous post below, I’m delighted to report to you my continued success in making Americans look positively stupid over Christmas trees.  This time it happened at Ames High School, where a donated winter tree was taken down just two days after it was put up for the school’s winter dance.

OK, my servants, everyone together now–why was the tree taken down?

Right!  Because this time there were “several” phone calls stating it was “offensive.”

Ha ha ha ha ha.

I’m telling you, I am good.  I’m even better than I thought I was, but this is more than even I could have asked for.

According to an LA Times story entitled, “O Christmas Tree: Ames High School takes down holiday decorations,” it seems that those “several” phone calls (probably from the same person!) provided all the cover my local servants needed to openly spit on the Christ part of Christmas.  In fact, in a Channel 13 whotv.com story, a school spokesperson said the school received “a couple of complaints.”  (Now only a couple?)

Ha ha ha ha ha.  A “couple” of complaints and Christ is pulled out of Christmas faster than it took my servants to dial-a-whine “I’m offended!”

This is getting downright fun, my servants.  Christmas used to be one of my loneliest times of year.  But now it seems my servants outnumber the Godpunks, in America, at least.  Do you know what the school district’s principal said when asked why he idiotically removed the “winter” tree?  He told the local paper:

“I didn’t want this to become a distraction that would take away from the precious time we have to educate students. We decided it would be best to take down the tree.”

Really, genius?  Really?

Hey, Principal, guess what, Einstein? Your students learned more in these last two days of your cowardly theophobism than they will all year.  They were educated by you to be intolerant, bigoted, and, best of all, that godlessness is better than Godliness.  Screw Christians, you taught them (and they could see your smirk).  You told them Christmas has something to do with Christ (although I don’t know what) and Christ is offensive and should never be seen in public.  Toleration works only one way, you showed them.  Yes, you certainly leveraged a little of that “precious time” to educate your students.  I hope they turn out just like you!

In another quote here, the hapless school spokesperson quoted above about a “couple”of complaints said:

[T]he school removed the tree after the complaint because further debate on the subject would take away from the Ames school district’s main goal of educating students.

Really spokesperson?  Really?  Now it’s “the” complaint?  One complaint?  That was me!  I did the hold-my-nose voice, and you fell for it!

Ha ha ha ha ha.

And is your idea of educating to shut down debate on one of the most important cultural issues of the day?  Yes, you are my perfect servant.

Good job, my good servants at Ames High School. You please me greatly.  You have done my will flawlessly.  With all the “precious time” you saved in your life lessons to your students, maybe you can put a picture of two men kissing where the “winter” tree used to be.

My servants, we are winning.  If you would like to write and congratulate your fellow servants at Ames High School, please do so.  Their email addresses according to this page are: ttaylor@ames.k12.ia.us and valerie.terando@ames.k12.ia.us.  Please, be kind.  They are on our side.

Ames High School, I can hardly say more; you are Satan Approved.

HT to Weasel Zippers.  But do not go there.

No Christmas tree, no Christmas tree (sing along)

Posted in Christmas, political correctness, Uncategorized with tags , on December 4, 2010 by devilbloggger

Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree
How offensive can you be?

One day at a time.  One person at a time.  One bank at a time.  I’m patiently wiping all traces of Christ from Christmas.  This time my clever success is manifested in Chase Bank’s demand that a Southlake, Texas, bank remove a donated Christmas tree from its lobby.  You can read about it here.

Why?

I’ll give you one guess.

Right!  Because someone might be offended.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

I won again!  Christ out of Christmas because some dufus might be offended.

It’s too easy, my servants.  Really, don’t praise me only for that.  Anymore I need do nothing.  Americans have lost their minds and do my will like it was easy.

Come to think of it, it is easy.  Because Christ is offensive.  He stands for everything I hate, and more and more it’s easier to stand with me than with him.

Now, my servants, let me tell you a secret.  This is kingdom knowledge, not to be shared broadly.  Is anyone else looking at your screen right now?  If so, ask them to leave. 

OK, here it is:  I know that, in fact, 91 percent of American people celebrate Christmas, and of the remaining 9 percent, only about 0.1 percent are offended by Christmas trees.  That means, my servants, that I have successfully used about about 0.01 percent (do the math yourself) of people to offend over 91 percent!

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Do you see how clever I am, my servants?  I have turned the most inclusive act anyone could do into an act of perceived exclusion and offense

Sometimes I amaze even myself.  I am great.  Really, I am.

Sing along with me:

No Christmas tree, no Christmas tree
You are offensive to two or three.
For that reason it is my aim
To spoil the day that bears your name.
 
Your very pres’nce passions inflame
You remind us of his holy name (blechhh!)
 
No Christmas tree, no Christmas tree
We must bow to those two or three.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

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