Archive for the Pope Category

Beating the Pope

Posted in Pope, Twitter, Uncategorized with tags , on July 2, 2011 by devilbloggger

PopeTweet.

Did you see, my servants, that the Pope tweeted for the first time?  I’ve been tweeting for months now.  What took him so long?

According to the AP report, Pope Benedict tweeted:

Dear Friends, I just launched News.va Praised be our Lord Jesus Christ! With my prayers and blessings, Benedictus XVI.

Hey, he was 22 characters short of perfect with that.  Did you notice? 

But this signals a new front in the battle for hearts and minds, my servants.  I urge you to ignore all tweets from the Pope, and never, never visit his newly launched website, www.News.va.

I almost always succeed in leveraging technology for my purposes.  Television, computers, smartphones … you name it, I usually own it.

Look how television has changed since its widespread inception.  What once showed wholesome, uplifting, and meaningful content now shows soft porn, shallow dramas, and general idiocy.

Ha ha ha ha ha.  I own television.

Computers and the internet were developed to speed communication, provide a channel for widespread information dissemination, and general good for mankind.  Now it is used for every evil purpose, including soft and hard porn, illicit virtual hook ups among married people, and a channel for visual depiction of every evil of mine.

Ha ha ha ha ha.  I almost own the internet.

Now I’m working on smartphones, ensuring that they come porn-enabled for everyone, including children, and causing all God-positive apps to be removed.  I’m working to make sure that all apps either promote Godless lifestyles and thinking, and/or promote idleness in mindless games.

Ha ha ha ha ha.  I’m working on owning smartphone technology, including apps.

But having the Pope tweeting represents a minor setback to the advancement of my virtual kingdom on earth.  Fortunately few will likely read his posts and fewer still will heed his words.

As for me, my friends, I count on you to guarantee that I have more Twitter followers than the Pope.  That’s a large order to fill, I know.  He has many more people who believe in his existence than do I. 

So spread the word, my servants.  Tell people about MY website and follow MY tweets. 

But in any event, at least on this point I can say that I beat the Pope.

Ahhhhh.

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Gays kissin’ and dissin’ (what’s missin’?)

Posted in homosexuality, Pope, Uncategorized with tags , on November 7, 2010 by devilbloggger

There’s a heartwarming story on the wires today, my servants.

Heartwarming, if I had a heart, that is.  But for you, my faithful who still have a heart, you should find great delight in an AP story out of Spain entitled, “Gays in Spain stage “kiss-in” as pope drives by.”  Isn’t that sweet?  It’s enough to make a papa proud, and a proud papa I was.  Sundays are usually pretty rough around here, but you Pope-dissin’ Spaniards really perked me up.

But I must say you can do better, my slaves to sexual desire.  If I’m going to make the world a better place for you, you must be prepared to make it a better place for me.

Here’s why I say this: the AP article starts out by stating:

About 200 people have staged a gay “kiss-in” as Pope Benedict XVI drove by to protest his visit to Spain and his policies on homosexuality, condom use and other issues.

And I thought, two hundred?  That’s pretty good, but is that the best my servants could do?  I mean, this is the POPE, for God’s sake.   Then I read that only about half the selflovers kissed, while the other half jeered.   And given the media’s propensity to exaggerate in my favor, this means at most only about 50 boyboys or girlgirls mugged for the Pope.

Really?  And you call this a “kiss in?”

My servants, my servants.  Listen to me.  Do you know how valuable an opportunity you squandered here?  Are there only 50 boyboys in Barcelona?  Where were the others?  Where were all those I hear about who believe boys kissin’ on boys and chicks smoochin’ on chicks should be openly acceptable to all?

Only 50 couples?  For the Pope?

Well, I suppose it’s a start.  I didn’t catch the look on the Pope’s face, and I don’t know his thoughts (I’m not a mind reader, you know).  I’m not sure if he was sad or mad, or something in between, and he probably wondered why he as mere messenger was so hated for the message.  But here’s something I do know, and for this I give you, my homosexual servants in Spain great credit: you definitely saddened the heart of God.

Your brazen displays, your pompous jeers against the Pope, your shameless, callous attitudes against what the Bible says about homosexuality–these all work to break God’s heart.  Most people are surprised to learn that I know God pretty well.  Like most of you, I hate him; unlike most of you, I know him.  And I know this one hit home.  Ha ha ha ha ha.

I remember when my brazen, proud, ignorant sinner-servants jeered Christ on the cross, and was quite surprised that God didn’t lose his patience and let loose his awesome judgment at that moment. 

Why? I wondered.

So it was with some apprehension that I watched my brazen, proud, ignorant sinner-servants jeering the Pope in Barcelona.  But once again, God simply endured the grief with a sad, longing heart.

Why? I wonder.

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