Archive for the Thanksgiving Category

Now I Thank MY Turkey!

Posted in atheism, False religion, George Washington, God, prayer, Thanksgiving with tags , on November 26, 2011 by devilbloggger

Delicious.

Just delicious, my good friends.  I’m telling you, it doesn’t get much better than this.  On a weekend in America where millions of humble hearts were turned toward God, one haughty, hard heart was turned toward me.  And it wasn’t just any haughty, hard heart.  It was the official First Heart of America, my good friend and ally, Barack Obama.

My non-American friends can hardly contemplate the significance of this weekend’s events for my kingdom.  America has a major holiday that was instituted originally (and later officially by the US government) as a day to thank the true God!  In the past this holiday with the disgusting name “Thanksgiving” was proclaimed with heartfelt, explicit, grindingly, ear-bleedingly, Hell-destroying exclamations of thanks and praise to God.

Consider, America’s first Thanksgiving Proclamation by their first First Heart, George Washington:

Whereas it is the duty of all Nations to acknowledge the providence of almighty God, to obey his will, to be grateful for his benefits, and humbly to implore his protection and favor – and Whereas both Houses of Congress have by their joint Committee requested me “to recommend to the People of the United States a day of public thanksgiving and prayer to be observed by acknowledging with grateful hearts the many signal favors of Almighty God, especially by affording them an opportunity peaceably to establish a form of government for their safety and happiness.”

I wished I could die (which I can’t, of course).

Not just “God” but “Almighty God“!

America’s first First Heart was a grateful heart.

Blechhhh!!

Oh, but how I change times.  This week, America’s First Heart showed he has no gratefulness toward the Eternal Heart of God.

But that doesn’t mean he isn’t grateful.  It merely shows on whom he fully grates.

In fact, his words grated on every grateful heart in America as he proclaimed Thanksgiving this year without even mentioning God!

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Oh, I love it.

Because his words did not only grate on the hearts of men.

I hope Obama serves me four more years.

Because he does my will on earth as it is in Hell.

Thanksgiving Classic: Thank the Turkey!

Posted in atheism, atheists, God, Sin, Thanksgiving with tags on November 24, 2011 by devilbloggger

Friends, below is a slightly edited re-run of a classic post from a year ago.  (I know, they are all classics, but this one is really fun.)  Enjoy!

The universe is great, the universe is good, let us thank it for our food.

Thanksgiving (in the United States) is today, my friends.  I think I’m going to be sick.  Can you imagine what it’s like to work all year making some lives miserable and making some lives fabulously comfortable (both of which tend to turn people from God), only to have practically everyone turn to God in thanks?

Blechhhh!

That’s why I was sooo glad to read some refreshing news from some atheist servants of mine, who will celebrate Thanksgiving but not give any thanks to the Christian God.

Ahhhhh!  That’s more like it.

The story is reported in today’s Religion News Service in an article entitled, “Thanksgiving’s a holiday atheists can believe in.”  The article reports about an atheist who “will not be speaking to the Christian God,” but instead:

I’m thanking, first, the universe for allowing me to be alive. I’m thanking my family for being with me, and I give thanks to the turkey that gave its life, the plants on our table, to the Earth itself for being abundant.

Ha ha ha ha ha.  I love it!  Thank the turkey?

Well, I suppose the turkey will hear this dude just as much as the universe will.  Of course, I’m sure the universe will appreciate being thanked first.  But mostly it’s delightful for me to read about someone who has exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles.

Thank the turkey, “that gave its life,” dude.

Funny how these kinds of people often tend to be given over to sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another.

Coincidence?

But I love it.  I love it!  Because these kinds of people have exchanged the truth of God for a lie (my lie!), and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator.

Thank you universe.  Thank you turkey.  Thank you potato.  Thank you Earth.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Now, my servants, here is the real reason that universe-thanking, turkey-thanking atheists please me.   Because such atheists are deliciously deceived when they believe that by doing so they “will not be speaking to the Christian God.”  In fact, they will be speaking loud and clear.  They will be shouting to God: SCREW YOU!

Ha ha ha ha ha.  I could not have said it better!

Screw you, God!  I’m going to thank this stupid turkey, that gave its life for me, before I acknowledge you with one molecule of my created body.  I will worship the universe before I whisper one created breath of gratitude to you, you non-existent, unattractive, mythical old turkey!

And the best part of my deception on earth?  Such an atheist will deny he is saying any such thing!

My servants, please, if you can get through this Thanksgiving season and not say one word of thanks to God you will have said more to God than you can ever know.  And you will please me greatly.

Go.  Thank the turkey.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

What I’m Thankful For

Posted in Thanksgiving with tags on November 23, 2011 by devilbloggger

Thanksgiving.

Well, unfortunately it’s that time of year again.  For my global friends let me inform you of a terrible, terrible holiday indulged in by the Americans: Thanksgiving.  This is a day on which, despite my best efforts, ordinary people think of two things: turkey and God.

And, no, that is not redundant, my friends.  Like I said, this is unfortunate.

But as I sat here commiserating my bad fortune it occurred to me that there were things that I was thankful for as well.

Moi?  Thankful?

Yes, my good servants, and you should be as well.  Let me explain.  Here are five things we can each rejoice over.

1.  I’m thankful that Christianity in the West, formerly a powerhouse of (my) kingdom’s destruction, has finally run its course.  I was beginning to lose hope; it appeared that free-thinking, selfless, Jesus-loving, Christians from Europe and America would continue rescuing Hell-bound losers of my kingdom from sure destruction.  But, alas, my lies of modern (so-called) science, liberal theology, and material blessing have finally paid off in an apathetic, lazy Church focused almost exclusively internally.  For this I’m thankful.

2.  I’m thankful that most Christians never share their faith.  This may surprise you, my friends, but Christianity has all but stalled on earth because ordinary Christians rarely, if ever, share Christ with their friends and neighbors.  I’ve succeeded in perpetrating the lie that conversion of souls lies with the professional clergy: priests, preachers, pastors, and evangelists.  I hope this never changes.  For now, I’m very thankful.

3.  I’m thankful for the rise of modern relativism, sometimes referred to as “post-modernism.”  To my surprise men on earth are eager to embrace the nonsense that truth is relative–that two contradictory propositions can both be true at the same time and in the same sense.  “God exists” can be true for some while “God does not exist” can be true for others.  “You’re OK; I’m OK” rules the day.  Of course, what I’m working on next, with some initial success is “I’m OK; You’re OK, unless you are a Christian, in which you are a bigoted, close-minded homophobe and overall killjoy.”  For this I’m thankful.

4.  I’m thankful for decreasing church membership in the West.  Numbers matter to my kingdom.  “Fewer souls in the pew many more souls in my stew” we say in Hell.  For this I’m thankful.

5.  Finally, I’m thankful that Thanksgiving Day comes only once a year in the United States.  If people were that thankful to God every day my kingdom would surely suffer.  For this, I’m thankful.

There you go, my friends.  Five things you can be thankful for.

Can you think of more? Feel free to comment below on what you are thankful for this Thanksgiving season.

Thanks!

Introducing Thankstaking Day

Posted in abortion, atheists, Thanksgiving, Uncategorized with tags , on November 26, 2010 by devilbloggger

Rush Limbaugh

Blechhh!

I don’t like Rush Limbaugh. Have you noticed he’s been talking a lot about God lately?  In a positive way?  I think he’s a closet Christian.  We keep our eyes on folks like him.  He’s not to be trusted with a microphone.  I may have to go down to Florida some day and challenge him; if he wins he gets a golden microphone.

What? Oh, never mind.

But even Rush Limbaugh can swerve into the truth (to borrow a phrase) from time to time.  According to Limbaugh, painter and poet Dante Gabriel Rossetti (his death mask is shown to the right) said, ‘The worst moment for the atheist is when he’s really thankful and has no one to thank.”

And Rush is right!  That’s one reason why atheism doesn’t make any sense– who what you gonna thank? You would have to be like my servant atheist I wrote about earlier who this Thanksgiving was going to thank the stupid “turkey that gave its life.”  But even that is in vain because if you are truly an atheist, then nothing in life or death has any true purpose–everything just is because it is.  If you don’t believe in God, you also don’t believe in me, or any other of the many spirit beings that surround you. 

All atheists can believe in is a senseless, purposeless cosmos that never had them in mind, and cares not a twat for them.  Something from nothing for no reason with no purpose and no meaning.  Your atheism itself, my atheist servants, is merely a delusion, a nonbelief in a nonentity (you!) Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Happy, atheists?  Ha ha ha ha ha.

So for my more bold servants, those who laugh at the futility of atheism, for those like me who embrace full-throated, fearless God-hatred, or even mere God-indifference, I offer you an alternative to Thanksgiving Day: Thankstaking Day.  My servants, I formally declare the fourth Friday in November as Thankstaking Day, a day in which my servants who wish to not thank God can nevertheless thank someone: me! 

And the beauty of Thankstaking day is that you, my servants, need do nothing.  You do not need to give thanks; by your indifference to God you by default allow me to take your thanks.

You have much to thank me for, my God-denying, God-hating, or God-indifferent, servants.  All over the world my servants live in a God-sanitized culture that was once God-filled.  Europe used to be called Christendom, believe it or not.  And America used to be called a Christian nation.  There was a time when God’s name was more likely to be publicly uttered in a positive, holy sense than negative, profane sense.  You, my servants are spared from such oppressive use of theistic religion.

I take your thanks. 

My American servants can thank me for the families in 1962 that complained about voluntary prayer in public schools; prayers to “Almighty God” contradicted their religious beliefs.  That case went all the way to the US Supreme Court where I won for you, my servants, the right to  ignore God in public schools.  No longer would you be subject to prayers that literally begged his blessings on you.  Now their religious beliefs are yours.  And the beauty of my genius?  Their religious beliefs fit nicely with mine!  You now enjoy a non-theistic religious secular school system.  You have my blessings.

I take your thanks.

You can thank me, my theophobic servants, for sparing you the sight of any Christmas displays, any Christmas carols, and any mention of the name Christmas in public.  I have worked tirelessly in all spheres of American culture to wipe clean all aspects of Christ.  And, of course, Christmas must go.  You are now free to refer to Christmas as “holiday.” you can decorate “holiday trees,” and you are subject only to sanitized greetings such as “Seasons Greetings.”  Christ is out of Christmas.

I take your thanks.

You can thank me for the condition of the modern family, for teen mothers, absent fathers, and a culture that fosters both.  I was integrally involved in the “sex education” that taught a generation of kids that the only limitation on sexual activity is that it should be “safe.”  And, of course, “safe” sex is still sex, and kids were safely getting pregnant, having abortions, raising what kids were left in single-parent households, and burdening a welfare system not meant for such free abuses.  And no one can speak the truth in this matter without being labeled a religiously motivated prude.  My victory continues.

I take your thanks.

You can thank me for leading the global challenge against the sanctity of life.  You are now free, and even encouraged, to cut up into small pieces the baby who inconveniences your life.  The numbers of babies so disposed of are staggering, and I must at least be acknowledged as the father of the lies that brought the world to this place of wholesale butchery.  After all, it was I who influenced the choice of language to my advantage by framing the life or death issue as one of “choice” and fostered the creation and naming of organizations with nice names like Planned Parenthood, which should be called Un-planned Un-parenthood.  I am great, I know.

I take your thanks.

I am behind the “politically correct” culture that has permeated every country of the world.  I have made criticism of perverts and their behavior a hate crime.  My “speech codes” would have embarrassed a free thinker 100 years ago, but today they are seen as the tolerant path to a more just society.  We laugh down here every time some self-righteous intolerant, yet politically correct, bigot claims, and gets, the high ground in the popular consciousness.

I take your thanks.

You see, my God-denying, God-hating, or God-indifferent servants, you have much to be thankful for.  If not for me you might feel obliged to vent your natural feelings of thanksgiving to God.  Now they can be suppressed with dignity; I have taken you captive to a new freedom–a freedom to thank me for my work on this earth.

Go, my servants, thank me and enjoy this, the first Thankstaking Day.

Satan’s Thanksgiving Day Proclamation

Posted in George Washington, Thanksgiving with tags on November 24, 2010 by devilbloggger

Thanks to all my faithful readers, especially those from the Creative Minority Report and GodWeb, and also my many email subscribers, and my FIVE Twitter followers (woo hoo!).

Now to business:

Do you believe in George Washington?

Why?  You’ve never seen him. You can’t talk to him.  All you have are history books that say he existed at one time.  For all you really know he might be a mythical figure.  Right?

Do you believe in me?  Ha ha ha ha ha. 

George Washington, for all my non-American servants, was the first president of the United States.  And he was one dangerous dude.  He believed in God.  I mean really believed in God.  And he mixed God and Government all the time.

In fact, you know what he did?  He just about caused me to blow a gasket in 1789 when he proclaimed a PUBLIC day of PRAYER!  Can you believe it?  This caused Thomas Jefferson to quickly build a wall of separation between (theistic) church and state, so fortunately no president will ever do that again, but nevertheless the damage was done.  Since that day, Americans celebrate Thanksgiving on the fourth Thursday in November.  Oh, the headaches!  Prayers come flying from all angles, many from people we have never heard before.

This must end, my servants.  And we are in a place to do it, I just need your help. To aid you in your service to me, I have provided below my Satan’s Thanksgiving Day Proclamation for the United States. 

To show you just how far I have brought the United States of America to doing my will, below I have side-by-side George Washington’s 1795 proclamation, and my proclamation.  George’s proclamation is on the left; Satan’s is on the right. 

Now, my servants, read closely, and tell me: which version below can you best imagine the current US president proclaiming?

See?  Am I good or am I good?

Here we go: it is long reading, but you must read to understand the fundamental shift I have caused in America:

A PROCLAMATION:
By the PRESIDENT of the UNITED
STATES OF AMERICA.

When we review the calamities, which afflict so many other nations, the present condition of the United States affords much matter of consolation and satisfaction. Our exemption hitherto from foreign war – an increasing prospect of the continuance of that exemption – the great degree of internal tranquility we have enjoyed – the recent confirmation of that tranquility by the suppression of an insurrection which so wantonly threatened it – the happy course of public affairs in general – the unexampled prosperity of all classes of our citizens; are circumstances which peculiarly mark our situation with indications of the Divine beneficence towards us. In such a state of things it is, in an especial manner, our duty as people, with devout reverence and affectionate gratitude, to acknowledge our many and great obligations to Almighty God and to implore Him to continue and confirm the blessings we experience.

Deeply penetrated with this sentiment, I, George Washington, President of the United States, do recommend to all religious societies and denominations, and to all persons whomsoever, within the United States, to set apart and observe Thursday, the nineteenth day of February next, as a day of public thanksgiving and prayer: and on that day to meet together and render their sincere and hearty thanks to the great Ruler of nations for the manifold and signal mercies which distinguish our lot as a nation, particularly for the possession of constitutions of government which unite and, by their union, establish liberty with order; for the preservation of peace, foreign and domestic; and for the seasonable control, which has been given to a spirit of disorder, in the suppression of the late insurrection; and generally for the prosperous course of our affairs, public and private; and, at the same time, humbly and fervently to beseech the kind Author of these blessings graciously to prolong them to us – to imprint on our hearts a deep and solemn sense of our obligations to Him for them – to teach us rightly to estimate their immense value – to preserve us from the arrogance of prosperity and from hazarding the advantages we enjoy by delusive pursuits – to dispose us to merit the continuance of His favors by not abusing them, by our gratitude for them, and by a correspondent conduct as citizens and as men – to render this country, more and more, a propitious asylum for the unfortunate of other countries – to extend among us true and useful knowledge – to diffuse and establish habits of sobriety, order, morality, and piety – and, finally, to impart all blessings we possess or ask for ourselves, to the whole family of mankind.

In testimony whereof, I have caused the seal of the United States of America, to be affixed to these presents, and signed the same with my hand. Done, at the city of Philadelphia, the first day of January, 1795, and of the independence of the United States of America, the nineteenth.

Go Washington,
President of the United States

 

A PROCLAMATION:
By SATAN for the UNITED
STATES OF AMERICA.

 When we review the calamities, which afflict our nation, the present condition of the United States affords much matter of consternation and dissatisfaction. Our embroilment in foreign war – an increasing prospect of the continuance of that embroilment – the great degree of internal uproar we experience – the recent confirmation of that uproar by the election of a conservative insurrection which so wantonly caused it – the troubled course of public affairs in general – the unexampled prosperity of the uppermost classes of our citizens; are circumstances which peculiarly mark our situation with indications of the beneficent Government towards us. In such a state of things it is, in an especial manner, our duty as people, with devout reverence and affectionate gratitude, to acknowledge our many and great obligations to the Government and to implore it to continue and confirm the meager blessings we experience.

Deeply enjoying this sentiment, I, Satan, de facto Prince of the United States, do forbid, based on separation of church and state, all religious societies and denominations, and to all persons whomsoever, within the United States, to set apart and observe any day as a day of public thanksgiving and prayer: but instead every day to meet together and render their sincere and hearty thanks to the great Ruling Class of the U.S. Government for the manifold and signal entitlements which distinguish our lot as a nation, particularly for the possession of living constitutions of government which demand separation of all God-thoughts from the public square and, by this division, establish oppression with order; for the appearance of peace, foreign and domestic; and for the temporary control, which has been given to a spirit of disorder, in the suppression of the late insurrection; and generally for the prosperous course of Government affairs, public; and, at the same time, loudly and greedily to beseech the Congressional Author of these blessings graciously to prolong them to us – to imprint on our wallets a deep and solemn sense of our obligations to Them for them – to fool us rightly about their immense cost – to preserve us from the curse of the prosperous and from highlighting the advantages we enjoy by delusive pursuits – to dispose us to merit the continuance of Government favors by not abusing them, by our gratitude for them, and by a correspondent conduct as citizens and as bondsmen – to render this country, more and more, a legal asylum for the dangerous of other countries – to extend among us expedient and convenient knowledge – to diffuse and establish blind toleration of insobriety, agitation, perverse morality, and private piety – and, finally, to impart the cost of all blessings we possess or ask for ourselves, to our children, and our children’s children.

In testimony whereof, I have caused the seal of the United States of America to be nigh unto death and delight to see it die.

Satan

Prince of the Air

This Thanksgiving, thank the turkey

Posted in atheists, Thanksgiving, Uncategorized with tags , on November 22, 2010 by devilbloggger

The universe is great, the universe is good, let us thank it for our food.

Thanksgiving (in the United States) is less than a week away.  I think I’m going to be sick.  Can you imagine what it’s like to work all year making some lives miserable and making some lives fabulously comfortable (both of which tend to turn people from God), only to have practically everyone turn to God in thanks?

Blechhhh!

That’s why I was sooo glad to read some refreshing news from some atheist servants of mine, who will celebrate Thanksgiving but not give any thanks to the Christian God.

Ahhhhh!  That’s more like it. 

The story is reported in today’s Religion News Service in an article entitled, “Thanksgiving’s a holiday atheists can believe in.”  The article reports about an atheist who “will not be speaking to the Christian God,” but instead:

I’m thanking, first, the universe for allowing me to be alive. I’m thanking my family for being with me, and I give thanks to the turkey that gave its life, the plants on our table, to the Earth itself for being abundant.

Ha ha ha ha ha.  I love it!  Thank the turkey?

Well, I suppose the turkey will hear this dude just as much as the universe will.  Of course, I’m sure the universe will appreciate being thanked first.  But mostly it’s delightful for me to read about someone who has exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles. 

Thank the turkey, “that gave its life,” dude. 

Funny how these kind of people often tend to be given over to sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another.  Coincidence?

But I love it.  I love it!  Because these kinds of people have exchanged the truth of God for a lie (my lie!), and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator.

Thank you universe.  Thank you turkey.  Thank you potato.  Thank you Earth.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Now, my servants, here is the real reason that universe-thanking, turkey-thanking atheists please me.   Because such atheists are deliciously deceived when they believe that by doing so they “will not be speaking to the Christian God.”  In fact, they will be speaking loud and clear.  They will be shouting to God SCREW YOU!

Ha ha ha ha ha.  I could not have said it better!

Screw you, God!  I’m going to thank this stupid turkey, that gave its life for me, before I acknowledge you with one molecule of my created body.  I will worship the universe before I whisper one created breath of gratitude to you, you non-existent, unattractive, mythical old turkey!

And the best part of my deception on earth?  Such an atheist will deny he is saying any such thing!

My servants, please, if you can get through this Thanksgiving season and not say one wordof thanks to God you will have said more to God than you can ever know.  And you will please me greatly. 

Go.  Thank the turkey.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

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